Five Horror Movie Mini-Reviews (They Sucked Too Much For Their Own Posts)

These movies not worthy of full-length reviews are: Repo! The Genetic Opera, Let’s Scare Jessica To Death, The Quiet Ones, The Crazies, & The Victim.

I always do this – I plan to do horror movie reviews all of October then get bored halfway through. Unfortunately, I’ve watched a lot of bad movies in preparation this year and don’t have enough to say about them to do full reviews. So, I’m doing the worst five all together (leaving me with nothing to review the final week of October, unless I get time to watch some more. Oops!). This is because I only do movies I can watch on TV or Netflix so maybe next year I’ll actually spend out on some decent older films instead of reviewing whatever crap happens to be available to me at no extra cost.

Here we go! I’ll do these from “best” to worst (to be fair, the first one isn’t actually bad – it’s better than both Mama & The Sacrament, which I did review in full)…

IMG_1191

The Crazies (2010)

Directed by Breck Eisner

Based on The Crazies by George A. Romero

Starring: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The Crazies takes place in the fictional town of Ogden Marsh, Pierce County, Iowa, “friendliest place on Earth,” whose town water supply is accidentally infected with the “Trixie” virus. After an incubation period of 48 hours, this virus gradually transforms the mental state of the infected into that of cold, calculating, depraved, bloodthirsty killers, who then prey on family and neighbors alike.

My Opinion:

Sorry lovers of The Crazies – I just don’t have much to say about this one although I did think it was pretty decent for a modern horror movie & can see why it has its fans. I love Romero’s zombie films so did try to watch the original of this one years ago. I don’t remember much now but it started out very slow and, for whatever reason, I never finished it. It was no Dead film! I’ll give it another try if it pops up on the Horror Channel or something as I do like the concept of a virus making people go crazy. So… it’s not a lot different from the zombie thing anyway. This remake is really just 28 Days Later but not as good.

As you can see by that picture, this one is pretty bloody. It was a bit too violent for my taste (I hated one bit with a pitchfork but found that scene pretty tense so I guess it did its job in that regard). I thought the movie almost got the balance right, though, in focusing on a small set of characters in small-town-Midwest-America and making us like them in between scenes of pitchfork nastiness. I’m always kind of fond of movies set in small-town-Midwest-America as I can still relate to that having grown up in a town so similar to this movie’s Ogden Marsh. I’m not sure why I didn’t like The Crazies more than I did as it had the perfect set-up (for me) and, at first, seemed like the type of movie I was really going to enjoy. Had they focused on the character development a little more and the violence a little less, I’d have rated this more highly. Plus, there’s a big explosion at one point that looked so dodgy that I couldn’t help but laugh even though I don’t normally notice that kind of thing.

I think I was just too distracted while watching this because, like with most movies I watch at home these days, I’m sure I was getting a blog post ready while it was on as I don’t have time to do just one or the other. That’s why I’ll be cutting way back on my number of posts once October is over – I want to enjoy movies again when I actually make the time to watch them. Sorry for the little tangent but I’m just trying to explain why I maybe didn’t fully appreciate The Crazies. If I ever watch the original, I may revisit the remake again as well and see if my opinion changes. I wanted to like it more. I’ve certainly seen worse! (Like, the four movies below….).

My Rating: 6/10

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971)

Directed by John Hancock (I wonder what his signature looks like?)

Starring: Zohra Lampert, Barton Heyman, Kevin O’Connor, Gretchen Corbett, Alan Manson, Mariclare Costello

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A recently institutionalized woman has bizarre experiences after moving into a supposedly haunted country farmhouse and fears she may be losing her sanity once again.

My Opinion:

Let’s bore Jessica to death by making her watch this movie. Apparently this is a cult classic? Well, that’s said about lots of old horror movies so I don’t know if that’s true or not. Don’t get me wrong – there are elements of this movie that I did like and I’d always choose to watch some old moody & atmospheric 70’s horror movie like this, bad clothing and hairstyles and all, over the crap that gets made nowadays. But this one really is just too damn boring, even for an older person like me who has a fair bit of patience and can appreciate a slow build-up. I thought nothing was ever going to happen in this thing. Luckily, the last twenty minutes or so are pretty good. Well, compared to the rest of the film anyway. Or maybe I was just happy that something finally happened?!

So, Jessica is nuts and her husband moves her to a secluded farmhouse to recover after she’s been released from the hospital. But all this weird stuff starts happening and, through Jessica’s rather annoying thoughts (which we can hear out loud during the whole movie), we don’t know whether she’s once again going mad, if her husband and all the creepy locals are playing games and trying to drive her insane, or if there really is some ghostly shit going on. Jessica becomes obsessed with an old photograph in the farmhouse showing the family who once lived there & is told by the local antiques dealer that the young woman in the photo drowned and that she now haunts the area as a vampire.

So what’s really going on?!?! I have no idea because I lost interest! Which is too bad since this movie was almost cool at the end – it had a real Rosemary’s Baby feel for a few minutes there with some eerie old small town locals (in that picture up there). Well, I suppose that’s an insult to the far superior Rosemary’s Baby. If you really REALLY love low-budget 70’s horror that’s more about mood & atmosphere than actual gore & violence, you might like this okay. It’s the type of thing I normally like but this one just didn’t work for me. It probably didn’t help that Jessica was annoying as hell.

My Rating: 5/10

The Quiet Ones (2014)

Directed by John Pogue

Starring: Jared Harris, Sam Claflin, Olivia Cooke, Erin Richards

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The Quiet Ones is a 2014 British supernatural horror starring Jared Harris as a college professor attempting to prove poltergeists are manifestations of the human psyche and not supernatural beings. The film is loosely based on the Philip experiment, a 1972 parapsychology experiment conducted in Toronto.

My Opinion:

Good lord – this was as boring as Let’s Scare Jessica To Death! But this one doesn’t have the advantage of actually being made in the Seventies like that one (although it’s set in 1970-something), so therefore it’s not groovy in any way. Fake Seventies grooviness just doesn’t work in the same way – American Hustle is proof of that! This is just a boring movie made in 2014 in which the characters wear ugly clothes & listen to Slade’s Cum On Feel The Noize over & over. (Although I’m not gonna lie – I totally like that song because I’m old & thoroughly uncool).

So there’s paranormal stuff and experiments on a crazy girl with a doll and Slade and the chick I couldn’t stand in Gotham (Barbara) which I stopped watching along with most every TV series I’ve attempted to watch in the last five years and, hey, the crazy girl with the doll is the girl in Me And Earl And The Dying Girl which I kind of wanted to go see but couldn’t talk the hubby into and my god they play that Slade song a lot in this (just in case you forgot it was 1970-something!!!) and the Me And Earl’s Dying Girl spits a lot of black shit out and most everyone gets killed and I really was paying no attention by the end and was questioning why I watch shit like this just to have something to “review” in October.

My Rating: 4/10

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

Based on The Necromerchant’s Debt by Terrance Zdunich & Darren Smith

Starring: Alexa Vega, Paul Sorvino, Anthony Stewart Head, Sarah Brightman, Paris Hilton, Bill Moseley, Ogre, Terrance Zdunich

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A worldwide epidemic encourages a biotech company to launch an organ-financing program similar in nature to a standard car loan. The repossession clause is a killer, however.

My Opinion:

What the fuck? No, seriously – what the fuck?!? No, really – can someone explain this thing to me?? I’d never even heard of this one until someone mentioned it somewhere on my blog recently (I don’t know who or where but I think they said something favorable about this movie. Here’s hoping whoever it was doesn’t read my review. If whoever you are is reading this, I apologize). ๐Ÿ˜‰ Because I hated this stupid piece of shit!!!!!!!


That’s Sarah Fucking Brightman of, like, famous musicals fame & shit. In this fucking movie! WTF?

So this was some actual opera several years before the movie, I guess. I didn’t do much research into it as I disliked the movie so much but, as far as I can tell, this has a following in the same way that The Rocky Horror Picture Show does?? I saw plenty of cosplay photos when looking up images for this post. Okay, fine – I can understand that. This movie is clearly about “image” and I can see why girls would want to dress up as Brightman’s Blind Mag or Shilo, the movie’s young heroine:

According to Wikipedia, this movie is a “splatterpunk, rock opera, musical comedy, horror film“. Splatterpunk?? I’d not heard that phrase before but it sounds like the perfect way to describe this one. Splatter indeed! Of these five movies, this one is the goriest & most blood-splattered by far. As you can see from the poster, it’s from the producers of Saw. Barf! I hate the Saw films (well, the first was okay). I didn’t know this before sticking the movie on when I saw it was on the Horror Channel. Just like I didn’t know that Paris Hilton had a big role in this. Paris fucking Hilton! She plays a spoiled rich bitch addicted to plastic surgery. At least her face falls off: 

I think what annoyed me so much is that this movie sounded kind of cool and I was excited when I saw that I’d be able to watch it. And it started out okay and had the potential to be a bit of fun. Plus the repo man himself looked pretty rad:

This movie is a Goth Sado-Masochist’s wet dream. If that’s your sort of thing, rush out and watch this movie immediately. No, really – you’ll love it! I’m not being a smart ass – I totally understand why this movie has a fan base. That’s why I’ve included all the pictures as it’ll give you an idea of what this movie is like. But, goddamn, the movie is a fucking mess. It’s just really bad. It looks good, yes! The visuals and the costumes and the set and the comic book imagery scattered throughout the film are all pretty impressive but they don’t make up for the godawful acting or the fact that half the actors can’t sing for shit (not that it really matters with such unmemorable, mediocre songs). Plus, the constant singing with the constant, obnoxious, “heavy metal” guitar noise drove me mad. MAD! I wanted to repo the cast’s fucking vocal chords!

Hey, though, Anthony Head is in this monstrosity. Remember when he had that “coffee romance” over a series of several Taster’s Choice commercials? I loved those! I always thought they should do more commercials that told a story like those. And I found out a few years ago that the woman in those commercials is Alice Eve’s mother. “Alice Eve hot” is one of my top search terms so, awesome, I just managed to mention her again in a wonderfully obscure & roundabout way!

Anyway, those Taster’s Choice commercials were a million times better than Repo! The Genetic Opera. I think the main problem is that this movie tries too damn hard and ends up feeling completely forced, desperate, and pathetic. Basically, this movie is a 40-year-old stripper. Get off the damn pole and look for a new career! Speaking of strippers, let’s move onto the worst movie I’ve watched in the three-year history of my blog…

My Rating: 3/10

IMG_1529

The Victim (2011)

Directed, written by & starring Michael Biehn

Starring: Michael Biehn, Jennifer Blanc, Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood, Danielle Harris

Plot Synopsis: (via me)
The slutty brunette stripper (who we find out in flashbacks is actually a sweet slutty brunette stripper), gets killed. Michael Biehn fucks the blonde stripper. I don’t know what happens after that as I only saw the first half of this movie & that was more than enough for me.

My Opinion:

I’ve mentioned my love for Michael Biehn’s Kyle Reese several times on this blog. So, one day, Filmnerdblog’s Laura tweeted me about a movie on The Horror Channel that was directed by, written by, and starring my beloved Kyle Reese. Er. Um. Ugh. (Do you think there’s any chance that Michael Biehn might read this?? I better keep it short as I actually still find him pretty hot).

Two skanky strippers pick up these two guys (cops if I remember correctly – I can’t be bothered to verify). They go into the woods and the fucking commences. The cute one (Danielle Harris – she’ll be very well known to horror fans. What are you doing in this, Danielle?!?) lets one of the disgusting dudes screw her Game-Of-Thrones-Style (from behind like a dog) while she looks bored & says things like “Why don’t you just come already?”. Charming. So he snaps her neck. Do strippers know how to pick ’em or what? The blonde stripper gets away & ends up at Michael Biehn’s house in the middle of the woods. He’s a hot old recluse. They screw & she says something along the lines of “you may be 54 but you don’t fuck like you’re 54″ (or whatever age he was in this). Really? Oh, Michael Biehn… You were so damn sexy as Kyle Reese but I really question your writing skills.

Anyway, one of the two guys (the actual killer or the other guy – I don’t remember) ends up at Biehn’s house & Biehn ties him up and starts to torture him a bit. At this point I turned it off as I couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. I did, however, plan to finish it another night (while writing a blog post as it played in the background). But when I went to play the recording, it had disappeared off the box! I was devastated! And by “devastated”, I mean “relieved”. I’ve forced myself to finish every single movie I’ve started since I began this blog. It’s, like, my duty as one of a million shitty blog writers! I’ll now never know how this sad stripper tale ends or be able to see more cheesy flashbacks of the two strippers having a girly chat to prove that they’re actually “nice, sweet strippers” who don’t deserve to have their necks broken. Okay, I could read about the ending online but I’m happy to let the rest of the film forever remain a mystery.

My Rating: 1.5/10

Advertisements

42 thoughts on “Five Horror Movie Mini-Reviews (They Sucked Too Much For Their Own Posts)

  1. I liked The Victim, also didn’t mind The Quiet Ones or The Crazies. Have never seen Repo though I have a friend who absolutely loves it. I don’t know why, she just does. lol Good reviews all!

    • Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚ Does The Victim suddenly turn not shit halfway through?! Lol. That’s two people who liked that! That’s funny – I KNEW Repo had to have fans out there somewhere. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Although I’m not one myself…

  2. I’ve seen all of these. I didn’t like the Crazies the first time I had seen it but it kinda’ grew on me. The Quiet Ones I liked, I guess you would have to like the existential question posed at the start of the film for all the little happenings (yes they were very small plot points) to pose any kind of interest. It was based on a true story so I think they didn’t want to get too far away from reality with it. The aspect of supernatural occurrences is subjective and not definitive proof – no floating sheets or attacking poltergeist,lol. The film might be more relegated to psychological thriller than horror.

    • Yeah, I normally FAR prefer psychological thrillers or the supernatural to full-on horror as I’m definitely not a huge horror fan (only for one month out of the year). ๐Ÿ˜‰ But The Quiet Ones just didn’t grab my attention at all so I ended up paying very little attention to it while I finished it. I think The Crazies would possibly grow on me, though. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Well, depending on who you talk to paranormal horror is real horror, an extension of the Gothic Fiction movement of the 18th & 19th century and slasher type films are a fairly new entity in the horror sub-genre field. Just splitting hairs here, but this is not the 1st time that I’ve heard someone say that paranormal films aren’t full on horror. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • yeah, elm street is a slasher paranormal mix that can transcend the decade it was made. The Friday the 13th films, I loved them when they came out but I really have to be in the mood to watch them these days, as well as the many slasher flicks that followed. I think Halloween (the original) is another slasher type film that transcends it’s subgenre borders.

      • Oh, I like Halloween as well – the first one makes my top ten horror films list. The others are things like The Shining, The Omen, the Romero Dead films, American Werewolf in London, Poltergeist, The Thing, umm… Think I’ve covered most of them. Lol. Oh, and Carrie. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Mutant, you’re brilliant! I quite liked The Crazies, although an extra dash of humour wouldn’t have gone amiss. I do like Timothy Olyphant : )

    I attempted to watch Jessica Gets Bored to Death last week and it nearly bored me to death so I gave up. Well done for getting all the way through.

    The Quiet Ones was another snoozefest, but at least I made it to the end. That girl is adorable.

    Believe it or not, I also attempted the Genetic Whatsis, but I barely made it past the opening credits of that one! What utter guff!

    Was the coffee called Taster’s Choice in America? Ha, it was Nescafe, here! Did they have English accents or were they dubbed? Dubbing really bothers me.

    • Yeah, a bit of humor would’ve been good in The Crazies. ๐Ÿ™‚ Jessica & The Quiet Ones…. BAH! So damn boring! And Repo is total fucking guff. Jesus. Sooooo fucking BAD. Not sure why I continued watching! And that’s funny – I had the Taster’s Choice/Nescafรฉ talk with hubby. I think he said the commercials were reshot for America with them doing American accents? I honestly don’t remember! I’ll have to ask hubby about it again. But, yeah – the coffee had a different name in the US. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. Not much of a horror fan so the only one of these I saw was “The Crazies” and I didn’t think it was bad. And, yes, that one scene I think you are referring to with the pitchfork was very tense.

  5. These all sound kind of terrible, but I haven’t seen any of them. I know Repo has a pretty big cult following, but when that film first came out I thought it looked ridiculous, so I never bothered with it.

  6. Hahaha. This was a fun post. These looked like they hurt. I’ve only seen Crazies. It was good for what it was, but ultimately forgettable. I couldn’t sit through Victim. I was curious about Biehn too. The Opera looks nuts. I’ve heard about it before, one of those extreme horrors… with singing… you know the cliche ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks for the warning on these. You cracked me up a few times!

    • Hehe. Thanks! ๐Ÿ™‚ Yeah, The Crazies was okay but the rest… UGH! God I hated Repo – you should check it out to compare it to the likes of the things you’ve reviewed recently, like The Toxic Avenger! (Trust me – The Toxic Avenger is a FAR better film!) ๐Ÿ˜‰

  7. Pingback: Class Of Nuke ‘Em High (1986) Review | Cinema Parrot Disco

  8. Pingback: M (1931) IMDB Top 250 Review | Cinema Parrot Disco

  9. Pingback: Happy Halloween! My Horror Month Roundup | Cinema Parrot Disco

  10. Pingback: My Ten Most-Hated Movies Since Starting This Blog | Cinema Parrot Disco

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s