The Stuff (1985) Review

The Stuff (1985)

Directed & Written by Larry Cohen

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Andrea Marcovicci, Garrett Morris, Paul Sorvino, Scott Bloom, Brian Bloom, Danny Aiello, Patrick O’Neal

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDb)
A delicious, mysterious goo that oozes from the earth is marketed as the newest dessert sensation, but the tasty treat rots more than teeth when zombie-like snackers who only want to consume more of the strange substance at any cost begin infesting the world.

My Opinion:

SPOILERS. I’m gonna post spoiler-y photos because I have to. They’re hilarious.

This movie popped up on Amazon Prime recently and I was excited because I’ve been wanting to see it. Mainly because it’s on Arrow Video (look at that cool DVD cover at the top of this post!). I usually like cult Arrow Video shit. The poster is cool too. Looks like the kind of cheesy Eighties horror comedy shit that I love! Even the logo they use to market this “mysterious goo” in the movie is cool. Look at this! I’d buy this if it was a real product:

Well, the movie certainly doesn’t live up to its cool poster or fake product marketing. It’s not even “so bad it’s good”, which I was hoping for. It’s just bad. Bad and boring.

What can I say about this?! It’s one of those movies I ended up not really paying any attention to while I fucked around on my phone. I thought it might be a little bit body horror but the “gore” was really cheesy & low budget. At one point a guy got punched in the face and his face sort of caved in & broke apart and it looked dodgy as hell. Then another guy’s head basically blew up but not in a super cool Scanners kind of way – more in a claymation Peter Gabriel Sledgehammer kind of way (I love that filthy song). This movie might have worked as a serious David Cronenberg-style body horror. But nope.

“Open up your fruit cage…”

Then I thought it might be a horror comedy. But then there was no comedy (at least, I think not any intentional comedy). So… Nope again!

Then I thought it was maybe a clever social commentary, like Society or the 1978 masterpiece Dawn Of The Dead. Nope! Although I think it may have been trying to be this; It just did a piss poor job and the story was kind of incoherent.

Not a body horror. Not a horror comedy. Not a social commentary. Not some great “cult classic” like I was hoping. What a disappointment. Hell, even looking at these photos now I’m thinking “I totally want to see this movie! It looks awesomebad!“. Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe it IS so bad it’s good?! Look at this, though – How dodgy-looking is this?!:

The most entertaining thing to come out of this was seeing Brian Bloom again, who I completely forgot existed. When I was 12/13 and buying girly teen magazines, they always had posters of him since he was this blue-eyed heartthrob. I had no idea what the fuck he was even in. There were several obscure actors always in girly 80s teen magazines so my mind wandered during this boring movie and I started trying to remember the more obscure ones (not the obvious ones like Johnny Depp and The Two Coreys and Kirk Cameron. Ha!). Let’s see… Andre Gower! Ryan Lambert! Brian Bloom! Who the fuck were they?! No idea. But they were briefly on my bedroom walls in the Eighties. And I’ve once again totally dated myself. God I’m old. Thanks, The Stuff! You were boring AND you reminded me that I’m fucking old!

My Rating: 5/10

*Okay, I’m a liar. I admit that I of course remember that Andre & Ryan were in The Monster Squad in 1987. Andre was my biggest crush of these three. And all three are still totally cute in the recent photos I found. Especially Andre. Cutie. Not that I went Googling him…

Ready Player One (2018) Review

Ready Player One (2018)

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Based on Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

Starring: Tye Sheridan, Olivia Cooke, Ben Mendelsohn, T.J. Miller, Simon Pegg, Mark Rylance

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDb)
When the creator of a virtual reality world called the OASIS dies, he releases a video in which he challenges all OASIS users to find his Easter Egg, which will give the finder his fortune.

My Opinion:

Where do I start?? I really enjoyed this film and, yes, I really enjoyed this book. I didn’t realize so many people had a problem with the book until reading Twitter these past few months. What the fuck was with all the backlash?! Fucking hell, people. Get a grip. It’s a fun, harmless story that was written for nerds obsessed with 80’s pop culture. Not your kind of thing? Fine. Don’t read the book or watch the movie. Maybe just shut the fuck up and let people reminisce if that’s what makes them happy? I really enjoy Twitter but the self-righteous bullshit is very hard to handle sometimes.

Okay – I’m clearly in a bad mood! I’ll just talk about the movie now. If you’ve read and enjoyed the book, be aware that there are loads of changes. This normally bothers me but I kind of liked it this time. I felt like I was watching a whole new story involving the same characters and it was entertaining to watch & not already know what was going to happen every step of the way. I kind of feel like there are two completely separate Ready Player One stories now and both are enjoyable. I’ll stay spoiler free so won’t go into any details but the biggest things changed (completely!) are the challenges involved in finding each key. Being a big film fan, I loved one of these new challenges and I’m very glad that bit stayed a surprise for me. So try to avoid spoilers and watch this soon if you’re a pop culture nerd like me.

I’ll say this, though – the movie doesn’t stay as true to the “EIGHTIES!!!!” thing as the book. I understand this will have been done to please a more general movie audience but it’s kind of a shame. Don’t get me wrong – there’s still shitloads of 80’s pop culture but it’s not as in-your-face as the book. Which is good in some ways but I still feel that the 80’s kids are being a tiny bit cheated with the film version. And the movie goes more “movie nerd” than “game nerd”, which is definitely more my kind of thing so I’m not complaining. But I think the lovers of classic video games may be a little disappointed at them having a far smaller part in the film.

I’m still trying to sort my thoughts out on this movie. I know this is one where I really should wait a while before writing about it… Is it going to be an all-time favorite Spielberg movie of mine? Probably not but he has so many great ones that it would be hard for him to ever top his classic films. I did do my Top Ten Steven Spielberg Movies HERE and I can say that Ready Player One wouldn’t make it onto that list. But I’ll post an updated list sometime and it will probably make it into the ten since I’d count the Indiana Jones (trilogy!!) as one on my own blog.

Sorry – I know I’ve said very little in this “review”. I’m having to keep things short on the blog lately due to lack of time. Plus I think it’s important to avoid spoilers for this one, making it hard to discuss. Plus… I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the movie. I thoroughly enjoyed having a new Spielberg sci-fi thrill ride of a film. It was a lot of fun to watch and I’d forgotten it was 2 hours & 20 minutes long as it didn’t feel that way since there’s always so much going on. The characters, though changed slightly, are done as well as they need to be to keep the audience interested in their story and I think Spielberg improved things by focusing even more on their friendship.

Overall, the changes made for the movie were mostly improvements on what I realize isn’t exactly classic American literature. Yes, Spielberg “has done it again!”. I love Spielberg and I love him returning to this style of sci-fi. However, like the 80’s pop culture the story wishes to emulate, this movie will always just feel like a tribute to Spielberg’s best films as opposed to actually being one of his best. I really enjoyed Ready Player One, I’ll definitely watch it again, and I’ll buy it as soon as it’s released on DVD. But I’d still rather watch a genuine classic film from the Eighties instead.

My Rating: 7.5/10

Is There A Scene After The Credits?: No, there’s nothing during or after the credits.

Music Video Friday: Ratt – Round And Round

Today’s video is Round And Round by Ratt.

I chose this video because I’m old and uncool. I was a teenager when pretty boy hair metal was popular & I loved it & I won’t apologize. Although, I wouldn’t really say that any member of Ratt was pretty. Not like Kip Winger! Or Mark Slaughter! Or even a little bit of Sebastian Bach! Hotties. I mean, I preferred heavier stuff like Metallica musically but I didn’t want to cuddle with them & exchange beauty tips.

Oh, but this video is a classic. WTF is the message, anyway? That Ratt are so cool they can turn women feral?? Haha! I love sexist Eighties hair band videos! I grew up with them & put up with them & actually thought nothing of them at the time. Hell, one of my absolute favorite videos was ZZ Top’s Legs (still is, actually). But I’ll probably never even let my own daughter watch that one. Different time, different values.

Anyway, this video is less sexist than most from that era so I feel comfortable posting it. It’s mostly just hilarious – how does the girl end up looking like an entirely different person just because she hears Ratt’s music playing? And how did she have time to get her hair cut & dyed on her way up the steps? It’s almost as confusing as the fact that Milton Berle is in this video. I always found that strange! But, hey – we didn’t have Wikipedia when this video came out (or, like, the Internet). Thanks to modern technology, I can now share 80’s music video trivia tidbits with the two people who read these posts! Yay!!! So tell us, Wikipedia, why the hell was Milton Berle in a Ratt video?!:

“The video briefly features comedian Milton Berle, whose nephew Marshall Berle was Ratt’s band manager at the time.”

Ah HA! So that’s why! Thank you, Wikipedia. And thank you as well for this interesting (and sad) tidbit too:

“The vixen in the video is model Lisa Dean who would play the lead character, Diana, in the 1988 Michael Jackson music video of Dirty Diana. Dean died in December 2009 at the age of 50 after a bout with colon cancer.”

Oh, and here’s a quick personal trivia tidbit that no one will find interesting but I’m going to share anyway: my cousin went to see Ratt & Poison together in concert in the Eighties & my grandma thought she was going to see a band called Rat Poison. Ha! I’m easily amused. And this video amuses me. And I kind of still love this song & will probably watch this video several times tonight after I get home from work. The song is already stuck in my head as I type this.

I love the metalhead butler… Punch that fist in the air!

Sweet Valley High Covers Artist Takes Commissions

OMG I was obsessed with Sweet Valley High as a pre-teen in the Eighties!

I saw this the other day & just had to share it here too. James L Mathewuse, the artist who did over 250 Sweet Valley High covers, takes commissions! I want to be painted like one of the Wakefield twins!!!!

Seriously, though – you can view the artist’s site HERE and a good article about it all HERE. But now I need to reminisce…

Yeah, I read the above three books. I think I stopped at book number thirty-something (I did outgrow them eventually). I wrote to Francine Pascal, the creator of the series, when I was about 12. This was for a school project, okay?? I wasn’t quite nerdy enough to write fan letters in my spare time. 😉 I thought it was really cool when I got sent an audio tape of the first book, though.

I’ve had a lot of fun just now Googling images of the original cover art. It’s shocking how they all came back to me as I looked at the covers! I can remember my favorites based on the artwork. Double Love, Playing With Fire, Power Play, Kidnapped! Those were awesome. How embarrassing… I was briefly very girly.

After Sweet Valley High, I moved onto YA “horror” instead. Christopher Pike’s books were my favorites. Remember Me, Chain Letter, Spellbound… This kind of thing was way more “me” (and my gateway to Stephen King). I really wish I still had those books with their original artwork – I’d love to be able to pass those on. Hell, I’d probably read all the Christopher Pike books again to see if I still thought they were great or if they can only truly be enjoyed by Young Adults.

I’ll shut up now. But I’d love to hear from other Sweet Valley High or Christopher Pike lovers! Jessica was such a bitch, though. I always identified more with Elizabeth. 😉

Sing Street (2016) Review

Sing Street (2016)

Directed & Written by John Carney

Starring: Lucy Boynton, Maria Doyle Kennedy, Aidan Gillen, Jack Reynor, Kelly Thornton, Ferdia Walsh-Peelo

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A boy growing up in Dublin during the 1980s escapes his strained family life by starting a band to impress the mysterious girl he likes.

My Opinion:

I really enjoyed this movie! It’s nice to watch a feel-good, fun movie like this one. It was also nice to get a break from superheroes… I could’ve gone to X-Men: Apocalypse but just didn’t have the energy. I’m very glad that I saw Sing Street instead. I’d rank it very high on my list HERE of the 2016 movies I’ve seen.

I’ve not seen any other John Carney films. I’ve not seen Begin Again mainly because I really don’t like Keira Knightley plus Adam Levine is in it, right?? Ugh. If I see that stupid video where Maroon 5 are playing at various weddings ONE more time, I’m gonna puke! And I do want to see Once but I’ve been putting it off for years because it looks so indie & soooo singer-songwritery. I really need to be in the mood for that sort of thing before I watch it as it has the potential to annoy me. I already know, however, that Sing Street is the one for me.

Teenagers in 1985! With loads of my favorite 80’s music! Joe Jackson! Duran Duran! Hall & Oates! The Cure!!! This is MY era! I’m very happy that this movie had a mixture of well known 80’s songs as well as new songs written by the band in the film as I was afraid it would all be music that I didn’t know. But, hell – the songs by the band in the movie were really good anyway! Maybe a little too good to be fully believable from a group of 15-year-old boys… But who cares? This is one of those movies I enjoyed so much that I can ignore a few small imperfections. Yeah, the story is basic and a bit cliché & predictable. That really doesn’t bother me as long as a film is good, which this one is. I don’t want to pick it apart. I hate when people overanalyze a movie that’s just meant to be fun. I had a lot of fun watching Sing Street – there were more laughs than I was expecting, I cared about the characters & what would happen to them, there was just the right amount of drama without it being melodramatic, and the music was great. What more can we ask for from a movie?? 🙂

This movie is full of unknowns as far as I’m aware (I’ve not looked them all up). Well, except for the dad being played by Littlefinger. That was weird – seeing Game Of Thrones actors in other things is always a little distracting. Everyone did a good job & I really liked not knowing them all already. Our main character (the band’s singer) & the girl he falls for are adorable – I would imagine we’ll be seeing them in many more films after this one. The movie gets a decent balance between the different aspects of the boy’s life (his relationships with his family, the girl, the band, and other students & teachers in his new school). However, my favorite relationship was probably that with his older brother, played by Jack Reynor. Loved him! He’s the best thing about the movie. I’ve never seen him in anything before but apparently he was one of the possibilities for playing Han Solo? I hope to see him in more after this – he was a real highlight in this film.

Summary:

There’s not much more that I can say about Sing Street. I clearly thoroughly enjoyed it but I know that it’s very much my type of thing. I always like movies about bands but especially love them when they involve teenagers in the 1980s since I’ll always be able to relate to that (even when the movie is set in Dublin instead of small town America). It reminded me a lot of We Are The Best!, a Swedish movie from a few years ago about three girls in 1982 Stockholm who decide to form a punk band. Sing Street has the same sort of spirit as that film and I loved them both & can totally relate to the characters in both films despite them being set in different countries from the one where I grew up. What can I say? The language of music is universal. I highly recommend Sing Street to music lovers and to Eighties lovers.

My Rating: 8/10

**Don’t watch this clip if you like knowing nothing about a movie beforehand but there aren’t any spoilers in it or anything. This is the first song that the band in the movie writes (The Riddle Of The Model) & this clip shows them making a “video” for it. If you’re curious, it’ll give you a good idea of the vibe of the film. And it’s a catchy tune! 🙂

Turbo Kid & Space Station 76 Movie Reviews

I figured I’d review these two movies together as they’re both (spoofs of? homages to?) a couple of very specific genres that I love. And I really enjoyed them both! But neither manages to quite capture the spirit of the films they’re emulating, although I appreciate their effort. Let’s discuss… 🙂

Turbo Kid (2015)

Directed by François Simard, Anouk Whissell & Yoann-Karl Whissell

Starring: Munro Chambers, Laurence Leboeuf, Michael Ironside, Edwin Wright, Aaron Jeffery, Romano Orzari

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The film follows the adventures of The Kid, a teenage boy turned superhero in the “Wastelands”, an alternate 1997 Earth where water is scarce. He teams up with a mysterious girl, Apple, to stop the tyrannical leader Zeus.

My Opinion:

An 80’s-style post-apocalyptic film set in an alternate sci-fi 1997?! And starring Michael Ironside, my favorite low-budget Jack Nicholson?!! Holy shit – sign me the hell up! I actually knew nothing about this movie until reading Digital Shortbread Tom’s great review (HERE). So, when it finally appeared on UK Netflix a couple of weeks ago, I watched it immediately. It’s a lot of fun! It’s flawed but I thoroughly enjoyed it. I was hoping to love it but I appreciate the effort they put into the film.

There’s Michael Ironside hamming it up perfectly as the main baddie! And check out this other baddie, who looks like some fucked-up mash-up of Jason Voorhees & a Quiet Riot album cover.

This was out ages ago in America but if you’re in the UK & don’t know anything about it, be warned that it’s mega violent. Funny, very fake violence. Lots of people exploding & blood splattering everywhere. The type of OTT fake gore that I can actually handle – I’m a wuss about realistic violence in movies but it’s played for laughs in this one. In fact, I have to give the writers credit on some extremely inventive kills here, such as one involving a bike & a rather lovely one involving an umbrella. They’re almost up there with the marionette death in A Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (but not quite – nothing beats that one).

As every review of this states, this movie is Mad Max on bikes instead of in cars. That alone was enough to sell it to me. Seeing all the images from the film helped as well and I think they did a decent job making things look good on (what appears to be but maybe it’s meant to appear to be??) a very low budget. The gory special effects had the great fake 80’s look they were going for but, more than anything, I just really liked the design of the characters and their crazy mix of 80’s-post-apocalyptic-inspired costumes. And look how cool our two main heroes look! I’d dress like Apple if I was a teenager & into cosplay instead of a boring old woman working in an office. Mainly, I just BADLY want my own gnome stick! 

Speaking of Apple, I was afraid she’d be waaaay too annoying at first but I have to say they managed to turn that around & I ended up liking her by the end. So bear with her if you watch this – she’s meant to be annoying but she ends up rather endearing. And I thought that Munro Chambers, who plays Turbo Kid, was really good! I wonder if this role will get him noticed – it looks like he hasn’t been in much besides TV stuff like Degrassi: The Next Generation. Ha! I remember when they made us watch Degrassi Junior High early on in high school because it dealt with issues such as pregnancy & the teachers didn’t want us to get knocked up, I guess. Or to have to teach a class instead of sticking us in front of a TV…

This will be one of those reviews where I say loads of great things then confuse people by giving it an average rating. I can’t quite put my finger on it but, overall, this film doesn’t quite work. It maybe tries a little bit too hard? Like I said to the hubby, it often feels like current movies like these are being made by people who love 80’s films but are too young to have actually lived through that whole decade (I can’t find info on the directors’ ages). I have to say that Space Station 76 actually got things more “right” in terms of re-creating a mood from a specific era although Turbo Kid is the more entertaining film of the two. I do respect what they’ve done with this movie, though, as it feels like a movie where those making it have really put their heart into the project. I’d certainly be interested in watching anything else this group of people will hopefully make in the future. Turbo Kid 2? I’d definitely check that out if it happened. I mean, don’t a lot of people prefer the second Mad Max film to the first one? Maybe Turbo Kid 2 would be perfect.

My Rating: 7/10

Space Station 76 (2014)

Directed by Jack Plotnick

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Liv Tyler, Matt Bomer, Marisa Coughlan, Kylie Rogers, Kali Rocha, Jerry O’Connell, Keir Dullea

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A 1970s version of the future, where personalities and asteroids collide.

My Opinion:

A dark comedy in the style of a 1970’s sci-fi film?! Plus Keir Dullea, Todd Rundgren, and a hot guy (Matt Bomer)?!? Sign me the hell up! I’m obsessed with 80’s movies & with post-apocalyptic movies just like the makers of Turbo Kid clearly are but nothing beats good ‘ol 70’s sci-fi for me and I absolutely loved the way they captured the look of those films for this. However, I’m going to put this disclaimer in right now: I am not recommending this movie to anyone. Watch it at your own risk & don’t come moaning to me if you hate it. Got it? Because most of you would hate this movie. I almost steered clear when I saw its IMDB score of 4.9/10. Yikes! That’s the kind of rating for the movies Eric watches! But I’m glad I decided to watch it anyway & make my own mind up. Because I really liked it.

I’d say that labelling this a “comedy”, dark or not, was maybe a bit of a mistake as a lot of people were probably expecting something very different. This movie is quite depressing at times, as each character is suffering from a different kind of lonliness and a longing to be loved or, at the very least, accepted. I read that the director thought of the space station in the film as a suburb, which perfectly describes how the movie feels. A groovy 70’s suburb! Far out, man. The closest I can come to describing this movie is to say it’s Dynasty in space. But more Seventies than Eighties… (Hubby disagrees with me & says it’s “Space: 1999, the Richard Linklater edition” but I never saw Space: 1999 so can’t make that comparison)

We don’t know what year this movie is set in (and don’t need to) but it’s meant to look & feel like the 1970s in the same way so many sci-fi films made during that decade still looked totally Seventies because of the clothing & the decor despite being set in the future & in space . What I really liked were all the movie’s subtle little touches & anachronisms. They’re on a fancy space station complete with cool gadgets such as therapy robots yet they use videotapes labelled with those awesome label maker labels. Remember those?! You’re all too young. We had one like the one below. I want one again! I also want a therapy robot…

The characters are also stuck in the past: the men are male chauvinists, especially the male captain (Patrick Wilson) who is a closet homosexual & treats his new female co-captain (Liv Tyler) horribly as he feels threatened by her. The women are self-absorbed & catty and, of course, everyone smokes constantly. But it works well as everyone is a sympathetic character in their own way. Well, except for the mother of the young girl – I wanted to punch that woman… The characters played by Liv Tyler, Matt Bomer, and the young girl playing Bomer’s daughter (Kylie Rogers) make up for the less likeable characters, though. I have to say that I’ve never noticed Bomer before & that I only knew him from that shitty Magic Mike movie but he’s absolutely adorable in this. It helps that he’s the only male character who isn’t a pig (although he does like to listen to Todd Rundgren while fantasizing about a naked Playboy model played by Anna Sophia Berglund. There – I’ve named her so that should get me some pervy Google views. But I won’t post the full frontal nude images from the movie. Sorry, boys!).

This movie is hard to describe & I can understand the low ratings but those will mainly be due to it being watched by the wrong people. I hate when people say “you just don’t understand it” when talking about a movie as I think that sounds snobby as hell but, well… I think that’s the case with this movie. If you don’t love the Seventies and/or sci-fi films from that decade, I really can’t see you appreciating this one at all.

I have to say that, although Turbo Kid is fun and the one that I’d recommend, I actually think Space Station 76 did a better job of portraying a specific era & genre and I actually have more respect for this one. If I’m honest, I preferred it to Turbo Kid. It’s surprisingly sad at times & I found the stories involving Liv Tyler & the young girl especially heartbreaking. I’m not sure I was happy with the way the movie ended as we don’t get much of a resolution. However, I’ve never seen anything quite like this film and I like that. It’s different. They took a gamble with this movie and it certainly won’t work for everyone but I found it very unique and have thought about it a lot since seeing it. I’m glad I ignored the IMDB rating.

My Rating: 7.5/10

**Not gonna lie – I’m old & uncool so I loved the use of all the Todd Rundgren songs Space Station 76. I’m sure it was easy to get the rights with the Liv Tyler connection as he was her step-dad… Anyway, at least Daft Punk agree with me that Rundgren is cool! International Feel is used in this film and, as I said in my review of Daft Punk’s Electroma, they also prominently featured the song so I’m going to share that clip from Electroma (in Space Station 76, it plays while Bomer fantasizes about the naked Playboy model):

And, of course, they use Hello It’s Me – one of Rundgren’s most well-known songs:

Music Video Friday With Hard Ticket To Home Video: Billy Idol – White Wedding

For this week’s Music Video Friday, I had a chat with Brian of Hard Ticket To Home Video about Billy Idol’s exploding-toaster classic White Wedding. Thanks for doing this with me, Brian! 🙂 I’d also like to thank Pat Benatar and her shoulder shimmy shake for the inspiration.

Now let’s talk about White Wedding, shall we? Here’s the video in case any of you twentysomethings haven’t seen it:

My Chat With Brian:

B: I love when Billy’s taking the scarf off (like you didn’t think it would be him) and it gets caught on his crucifix necklace and you can see he’s pissed. That was the best take they had?

B: Then in the next shot you can see a part of the scarf hanging off the crucifix.

M: Really?? I’ve just finished watching this thing three times & didn’t even notice that. I think I was too distracted watching his mouth while he sang. Also, I was trying to decide if I ever found Billy Idol attractive in any way. Or if I do now. (No. I don’t.)

M: I’d rather be “dancing with myself”. Ha!

B: His flesh isn’t your fantasy?

M: With a rebel yell, I wouldn’t cry more more more.

M: Seriously, though, I was always really freaked out by the ring cutting the bride’s finger. Man, Billy Idol is a bastard in this video! I also can’t figure out if she’s marrying Idol or if he’s the best man or something. If he’s the best man, I think cutting the bride’s finger is a massive best man FAIL.

B: I thought that was his sister?

B: His little sister.

B: And doesn’t want his sister to get married, so he tries to change her mind with the help of some biker chicks, getting her hooked on LSD (via the ring he cuts her with, most likely) then blows up her kitchen?

M: Wait a second… I didn’t even give the lyrics a thought! He does say hey little sister. WTF? That makes the video even more disturbing!

B: Yeah so I guess it’s a “shotgun” wedding.

B: And he’s her big brother, and left home and wasn’t there to protect her when some creep knocked her up.

M: You’re blowing my mind. I’m seeing this video in a whole new light. Yet he also calls it a “white wedding” which implies that the bride is a virgin. This video makes no sense.

B: But there is no groom in this, and it does seem like they’re getting married, so maybe I’m wrong.

B: Maybe it’s about an abusive husband? This girl thinks she’s in for a fairytale wedding but it turns out to be a nightmare, mostly because of her husband’s pants and hair.

B: And she thought her home life was going to be so great but it all blows up in her face.

B: While Billy bends over at her all the time, because he’s an asshole.

M: Ohh – now we’re getting somewhere! I was actually going to ask you what you thought the exploding appliances were meant to symbolize. This video is deep! As for those exploding appliances, do you think those were on their wedding gift registry? I hope they’re still under warranty.

B: Well even if their toaster exploded, they probably got four more from relatives.

M: True. Maybe that’s what Idol is so pissed off about! Okay – I just read about the video & it said Idol is a “guest” at the wedding. And I read that he cut the girl’s finger for real. She was his girlfriend at the time & she insisted that her finger actually be cut so that it looked real. I bet those two had really kinky sex.

B: I would imagine it involved using cocaine for lube.

M: Lol! How would that even work?? (Don’t answer that!) 😉 Anyway, it’s not as cool as Ozzy snorting ants. Ozzy is way cooler than Billy Idol ever was.

B: At least Ozzy never tried to pretend to play the guitar. In this Billy is trying to play two different guitar parts simultaneously.

M: Was he playing a guitar in this video?! I didn’t notice that. I’m a girl – I was more upset by the treatment of the poor bride in this thing.

M: I wish the bride would exact revenge on Idol and all these horrible wedding guests “Kill Bill style”. That would be awesome.

B: Well at the end she’s in a cocoon, so at least she’s safe.

M: With Wilford Brimley! I thought she was covered in cobwebs… Isn’t she dead at the end? It’s like November Rain! What were these old rock stars trying to say about marriage? The only good wife is a dead wife??

M: And was Idol (or… someone at the wedding?) planning to murder the bride from the start as it looks like those guys are digging a grave outside the church? And is that a coffin they’re putting nails into?

M: Also, why do those chicks in tight leather pants smack their own butts? Are they the bridesmaids??

B: I think he means that getting married is basically ending the life you knew.

B: Those chicks smack their butts because they’re nice butts and you needed more titillation in this video than Billy’s nipples.

M: You’re very deep, Brian! And it makes more sense with that being a cocoon instead of cobwebs. This video is better than I realized! And I agree that those are nice butts. One of the chicks in leather is the same one playing the bride, actually.

M: Did you know this video was directed by David Mallet? I knew his name but didn’t realize just how many videos he’d directed. Holy shit! If you want to do this again sometime, I’m sure we may end up doing another one of his. He did most of Bowie’s videos. And I have even more respect for him now that you’ve made me realize that White Wedding is super deep & not just about hot chicks in tight leather pants. And exploding toasters.

B: And a shitload of AC/DC and Joan Jett. Bowie’s Ashes to Ashes video is so creepy.

M: That’s probably my hubby’s favorite video ever! Of course, if it isn’t he’ll bitch at me when I post this tomorrow. If I post this bit. Are we done with White Wedding?? I like how I just typed out “Whore Wedding” by accident…

B: We’ve probably rambled on long enough.

M: Okay – We’re done with Billy Idol’s nipples! Thanks for the chat, dude! 🙂

B: But they’ll still haunt me until the end of my days.

Music Video Friday: Pat Benatar – Love Is A Battlefield

I managed to do 2 weeks of Music Video Friday without posting a video from the Eighties! So I think it’s time to post this 80’s classic: Pat Benatar’s Love Is A Battlefield. Get your shoulder shimmy shake ready!

I wouldn’t say that Pat Benatar was a favorite singer of mine growing up, although I did like several of her songs. As far as female singers go, I was more of a Heart fan. Although, looking up Pat Benatar’s songs now for this post, there are some good ones I’d forgotten about. Shadows Of The Night! Invincible! Maybe I need a Best Of!

Love Is A Battlefield, released in September 1983, reached number one in the U.S. charts (while only reaching 17 in the U.K. Boo!). Anyway, the video was one of the staples of MTV’s early days. Remember when MTV was good?!? No, most of you are too young but, trust me, MTV used to be the greatest damn thing EVER. It was all MUSIC. Man I miss those days. I’ll never forget being outside my house at the age of about ten when the cute neighbor boy ran out of his house & shouted at me “Thriller is on MTV!!!!!” and then ran back into his house like a maniac. Lol. God he was adorable…

Where was I? Oh! Pat Benatar! I love how Eighties videos so often had cheesy little melodramatic stories. So… Pat Benatar runs away from her parents even though she looks about 30 then ends up some weird kind of dancing hooker or something. But she’s able to escape her pimp by doing an angry shoulder shimmy shake at him! Take that, you nasty dancing pimp! I’d love to be a superhero where my superpower was the shoulder shimmy shake. How awesome would that be?! You have to admit it’s less lame than an Ant-Man. The logo could be like Superman’s but with a triple S instead of just the one S. I like it! I’d photoshop that if I was any good at that sort of thing! 

Well, this post has kind of gone off track. Here’s the video but I’d be very surprised if there’s anyone who has never seen this work of art. Ah, the good old days! 🙂

*chart information from Wikipedia