Cooties (2014) Review

Cooties (2014)

Directed by Jonathan Milott & Cary Murnion

Starring: Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson, Jack McBrayer, Jorge Garcia

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A mysterious virus hits an isolated elementary school, transforming the kids into a feral swarm of mass savages. An unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers in the fight of their lives.

My Opinion:

I know I’ve been reviewing horror movies for all of October but I didn’t actually watch any of them in October. I’ve finally watched my first horror movie this month! I watched Cooties on Thursday night. I have to say it was one hell of a disappointment, especially as it’s the only damn horror I’ve watched in quite a while.

I’ll keep this review short. I love a good horror comedy (Yes, I did a Top Ten HERE). I especially love a good zombie comedy (as you’ll see on that list, I chose several ZomComs). ZomCom! I love that term. And I love that there’s actually a ZomRomCom with Warm Bodies… By the way – I know this is “virus” movie and not strictly a “zombie” movie. Whatever. It’s still a zombie movie. And possibly the weakest of all the ZomComs that I’ve seen.

What can I say? Mainly that Cooties wasn’t very funny. I had a couple of very small giggles & that was it. For me, the comedy part of a horror comedy is far more important than the horror part, so… I expect more than a couple small giggles. This is no Shaun Of The Dead! As for the horror part, I wouldn’t say Cooties managed to get this right either. It’s mainly some “gross-out” low budget effects & there’s no real sense of fear for these teachers trapped in a school while the children go berserk. I’ll say that I hadn’t watched this sooner as, even though it’s a comedy, I still didn’t like the thought of them having to kill a bunch of kids. They did what I expected: They made the kids complete & utter assholes so you wouldn’t feel so bad! They did at least make two kids likable, who aren’t infected & end up with the teachers. I was glad about that. Just FYI for the childless or the child-haters watching this: Kids aren’t usually evil, people! If they’re bratty, it’s probably because their parents are c*^ts. Yeah, I used that word since it was used in this movie. πŸ˜‰

Meh. Sorry. I know I don’t have a lot to say about this one. I was just kind of bored. Elijah Wood, Alison Pill & Rainn Wilson did a decent enough job with a weak script but I didn’t care about the rest of the characters. Oh, wait – I also kind of liked Jorge Garcia’s stoner character. I kept going “Hurley!” because I loved him in Lost. Remember those first couple of seasons when Lost was good?! The ZomCom I’d say this is most similar to is Life After Beth. That was also meh. But I think I ever so slightly preferred that one…

My Rating: 5.5/10

By the way, I thought of a positive comment to add so I don’t sound so negative. I do think this Cooties poster is pretty great and I liked how it appeared outside a cinema in the film, next to a poster of A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night:

**Edit to say that I watched another horror movie after writing this review. I watched the Netflix adaptation of Stephen King’s 1922. I’ll be reviewing that on Monday followed by a review on Tuesday of Gerald’s Game.

I’ll then do a few days of Mike Flanagan movie reviews before ending on the 30th & 31st with reviews of my two favorite horrors that I watched at home this year. Neither of those films are in English. You need to start making better horror movies, Hollywood!

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Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017) Review

Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017)

Directed by Kelly Asbury

Based on The Smurfs by Peyo

Starring: Demi Lovato, Rainn Wilson, Joe Manganiello, Jack McBrayer, Danny Pudi, Michelle Rodriguez, Ellie Kemper, Ariel Winter, Meghan Trainor, Jake Johnson, Mandy Patinkin, Julia Roberts

Production company: Sony Pictures Animation

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
In this fully animated, all-new take on the Smurfs, a mysterious map sets Smurfette and her friends Brainy, Clumsy and Hefty on an exciting race through the Forbidden Forest leading to the discovery of the biggest secret in Smurf history.

My Opinion:

I don’t have the energy to “review” this. I suppose Smurfs: The Lost Village isn’t as bad as those godawful live action movies they did with Doogie Howser but that’s not saying much. I know I’m probably too picky on kids’ movies but it’s hard not to be when Pixar & Disney have proven that it is actually possible to make really good movies that people of all ages enjoy. This movie has that “straight to video” feel and it’s one that parents will stick on for their kids to watch while they go & do housework or something. So I suppose that’s one positive thing about it? They should stick that on the cover when it comes out on DVD! “Smurfs: The Lost Village is a good ‘keep the kids entertained while you do housework’ movie.” – Cinema Parrot Disco.

I suppose I’m also a little extra picky since I adored the Smurfs cartoon as a kid in the Eighties so can’t help but compare. At least they didn’t mess with the look of the Smurfs too much but it unfortunately didn’t work as well as The Peanuts Movie, which I really enjoyed. To be fair, this movie is at least a step in the right direction and I don’t think it does any damage to the Smurfs legacy (unlike the horrible live action ones). Actually, I’m not entirely sure why this movie doesn’t quite work. It could’ve been worse but a dull story and some pretty bad casting of voice actors who didn’t suit the characters made for an hour & a half that felt very long in our uncomfortable cinema seats. I hated Gargamel – sorry Rainn Wilson! And Jack McBrayer as Clumsy Smurf probably isn’t to everyone’s taste… His voice can get highly irritating after an hour & a half (or two minutes). I guess Demi Lovato was fine as Smurfette since I didn’t really give her voice any thought and didn’t know until the end credits who had played her. There’s some bland & totally forgettable pop music in the movie, which always annoys me in kids’ films. Oh – except for Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eiffel 65, which is a thoroughly embarrassing guilty pleasure of mine. Pure cheese! But less embarrassing than this movie.

Okay – a slight spoiler now (if you care). But as my kid pointed out during the movie, she knew all about the lost village already thanks to the toys that have been released (my kid likes to complain about SPOILERS! It’s adorable). The totally predictable & not at all surprising mystery of the lost village is that it’s all girl Smurfs. So Smurfette is finally not the only female Smurf. I’d have never guessed! I only bring it up because it felt like that all female community on The Walking Dead, giving me & hubby the opportunity to make Negan jokes to each other throughout the film to help ease our boredom. Maybe we can make Smurfs jokes to ease our boredom while watching The Walking Dead next season (since that show SUCKS lately – why do we keep watching?!). I think this “review” is finished. I’m going to go do some housework.

My Rating: 4.5/10

Wreck-It Ralph (2012) Review

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Wreck-It Ralph (2012)

Directed by Rich Moore

Starring Voice Actors:
John C. Reilly
Sarah Silverman
Jack McBrayer
Jane Lynch
Alan Tudyk
Mindy Kaling
Joe Lo Truglio
Ed O’Neill
Dennis Haysbert
Adam Carolla
Horatio Sanz
Rich Moore
Edie McClurg

Studio: Walt Disney Pictures

Running time: 101 minutes

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
A tribute to over 30 years of the gaming industry, the film tells the story of the titular arcade game villain who rebels against his role and dreams of becoming a hero. He travels between games in the arcade, and ultimately must eliminate a dire threat that could affect the entire arcade, and one that Ralph himself inadvertently started.

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My Opinion:

I guess it’s about time to review this one. I saw this when it finally came to UK cinemas last February. I liked it fine but didn’t give it much thought after seeing it. I’ve since kind of half watched it on DVD a few times but today I actually sat down & properly watched it all the way through again and I have to say I appreciate it a lot more now than I did after my first viewing.

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The best thing about Wreck-It Ralph is the concept. LOVE it! Very clever. The concept felt more like what you’d get from a Pixar film (because Pixar is awesome). The movie starts out very strong. Seeing “a day in the life of an 80’s video game villain” was so much fun. I love how the characters from the actual Wreck-It Ralph game in the movie move around in that funny old style video game way. And Ralph grabbing some fruit from Pac-Man and going to the central airport-style station in between games and seeing “homeless” characters from unplugged games there (like Q*Bert) was absolutely brilliant! But I’m old so I’m a sucker for all the 80’s video game references in this, even though I was never that big on video games.

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When Ralph goes into the modern day Hero’s Duty game in order to try to win a medal and prove he’s actually a good guy, it was funny to see how an old school video game character wasn’t able to handle being in one of these new fandangled games. It was a bit like how I feel about life. Such as how my 1970s born self can’t understand teenagers of today. I mean – what is this world I’m living in now?? And, no – I can’t play their fancy modern day games either. What a load of crap! Give me Space Invaders. πŸ˜‰

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I think the thing that made me not totally *love* Wreck-It Ralph at first was the whole Sugar Rush/Vanellope part of the movie. Vanellope can be a little annoying, yes. I know people feel that same way about the person voicing her (Sarah Silverman) so, if you hate her, you’re not going to like Vanellope. I don’t mind her so I was fine with all that and I have to say that the character has really grown on me. She may be a cheeky little brat but you feel for her once you know her whole story and her relationship with Ralph is very sweet. Plus she’s really cute with her green outfit and candy stuck in her hair! I appreciate the whole Sugar Rush part of the movie much more now. Oh! And I love Fix-It Felix and his crush on Sergeant Tamora Jean Calhoun from Hero’s Duty is really funny.

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Summary:

Wreck-It Ralph has a fairly standard Disney-fied ending and moral but I still thought it was far more original than most kids’ films plus I wasn’t actually able to spot the “twist” beforehand and didn’t know how they’d solve problems like Vanellope’s glitch. Wreck-It Ralph is a very clever movie and way more satisfying than your usual kids’ film. The story of video game characters living a life outside of the arcade’s opening hours and being able to go from game to game is brilliant, the movie looks really good, Ralph is a great character, his relationship with Vanellope is heartwarming in a non-annoying way, Vanellope will grow on you once you’ve watched the movie enough, and the retro video game references were loads of fun. Plus it’s great when a kids’ film manages to have plenty for both boys and girls to love – too many (non-Pixar) kids’ movies are aimed at one or the other, which I find annoying. Wreck-It Ralph is fun for boys, girls, and adults of all ages.

My Rating: 8/10

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