Sound Of Metal (2019) & My Octopus Teacher (2020) Reviews

Figured I should review these two films since the Oscars are this weekend & they’re nominated. I also watched a few nominated shorts, so I’ll briefly mention those at the end of this post as well (If Anything Happens I Love You, The Present, A Love Song for Latasha, Burrow & Two Distant Strangers).

Sound Of Metal (2019)

Directed by Darius Marder

Starring: Riz Ahmed, Olivia Cooke, Paul Raci

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
Sound of Metal is a 2019 American drama film directed and co-written by Darius Marder starring Riz Ahmed as a metal drummer who loses his hearing.

My Opinion:

I don’t know how to write a full review anymore. I can’t believe I used to do a full review post for pretty much each & every movie I watched?! I think the monthly roundup posts I do now with just a paragraph or so for each movie works better for me as, especially in the past few years, I just don’t have much to say about most current films. I feel like I’ve seen so many movies now that nothing ever feels new or original. It’s probably why I’m going back to exploring much older films that I haven’t yet seen. Movies used to be so much better than they are now. Or am I just old & bitter?!

Why am I rambling? I think it’s because, despite Sound Of Metal certainly being a good film with good performances, I don’t have much to say about it. I mean, it’s not exactly up there with Oscar winners of the past, is it? It’s not The Sound Of Music or The Bridge On The River Kwai, is it? But I’ve felt this way about the Best Picture nominees for years now. Where are the sweeping epics??? It’s all dreary drama now. It’s all performance based. I can appreciate a good performance but it’s not something I’ve ever cared about too much. I mean, I’d rather have an awesome movie with meh performances than a meh movie with awesome performances. But that may just be me. I wouldn’t say Sound Of Metal is at all meh, of course. I just think it’s one that should be up for the acting awards and not Best Picture. (Though I liked it more than the other Best Picture nominees I’ve seen! The Trial Of The Chicago 7 & Mank – those were pretty meh).

Okay, I feel like I’m being negative about this movie when it’s likely to stay one of the films I liked the most after I see all the Best Picture nominees. I’m just venting my frustration at the lack of truly amazing films nowadays. Paul Raci & especially Riz Ahmed were very good & I’m happy to see them nominated. I think they both don’t stand a chance of winning but I’d like to see Ahmed recognised for his work. Also liked Olivia Cooke as his girlfriend but was disappointed that we didn’t see much of their relationship & saw hardly anything to do with their band & career. And, yes – I wanted more actual metal. I’m a big music fan of all genres (well, other than country) and like a lot of metal. I know the focus of the film is the character’s loss of hearing but I’d still have liked to see a little more to do with his music and with his relationship with his girlfriend. I didn’t feel we got to know them well by the end of the film. Also, we didn’t get to know him well enough beforehand to truly understand his loss and what it meant to him.

Well, I’m just nitpicking now. It’s a good film. It gave a good look into the lives of those who have lost their hearing & I liked how they worked together to live with it. And I hope it wins the Oscar for sound – It would be a worthy winner. I could maybe be convinced to give this half a star more but I’ve ranked it 4th for 2021 U.K. releases & I only gave those above it 7/10. So I better stick with a 7 for now…

My Rating: 7/10

My Octopus Teacher (2020)

Directed by Pippa Ehrlich & James Reed

Starring: Craig Foster, Tom Foster, Octopus (Rosetta), Pyjama Shark

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
My Octopus Teacher is a 2020 Netflix Original documentary film directed by Pippa Ehrlich and James Reed, which documents a year spent by filmmaker Craig Foster forging a relationship with a wild common octopus in a South African kelp forest.

My Opinion:

I’m terrible about watching documentaries. I don’t know why, as I do enjoy the really good ones but I have to force myself to watch them. So I’m rating & ranking documentaries separately from the movies that I watch as it’s hard to compare them. As far as documentaries go, this is easily my favorite that I’ve seen in a long time. I don’t even like octopuses! (Octopi???). Honestly, they’re creepy little things. They’re fascinating but they’re f*^king weird.

I loved this little octopus by the end of this documentary! I wasn’t expecting to like this so much, so they clearly did a great job with the film. Man, I was so stressed whenever the dangerous shark fish thingies that wanted to eat the octopus got anywhere near her. I was all “Oh no! Swim away, little octopus! Hurry!!!” I was extremely concerned about this octopus. It’s amazing that this dude went diving every single day to watch her. You really do feel like you’re on this journey with him & I loved watching the octopus adapt & learn. Who knew octopuses were so smart?? Brilliant creatures. I may become an octopus fan now thanks to this fantastic documentary.

My Rating: 7.5/10

Nominated Shorts I’ve Seen (with super brief thoughts):

– If Anything Happens I Love You – I already reviewed this a little bit in the link so don’t need to say much more than “This is utterly heartbreaking“. A hard one to watch but a powerful animated short with a message that won’t make the slightest bit of difference in America. Things are never going to change there – I lost hope years ago. Would be happy if this won the Oscar.

– The Present – Thought this was a really good short showing the struggles some people face in doing the most basic day to day things in life that those of us in other countries take completely for granted. It’s why I get so annoyed with people constantly whining about the stupidest shit on Twitter. Shut up with your first world problems!

– A Love Song for Latasha – This is a very short film worth checking out on Netflix. Another very heartbreaking short, this is the Wikipedia synopsis for this true story: “Drawing on memories from the subject’s cousin and best friend, the film reimagines the life of Latasha Harlins, a Black Los Angeles girl shot and killed by a convenience store owner in 1991.”

– Burrow – This is a cute Pixar short (well, one of the SparkShorts shorts). It’s not up there in quality with the likes of the other Pixar shorts that were shown in cinemas before films. Enjoyable but forgettable – Pixar has many better shorts than this one.

– Two Distant Strangers – This is a short also on Netflix. It’s another important message but unfortunately not as well done as the other nominees I’ve seen. To be honest, though, I never watch enough of the short films & find them hard to judge as it must be difficult to fully develop your characters & ideas in such a small amount of time. Is the quality of filmmaking here Oscar-worthy? I don’t know but I think it’s common for shorts & documentaries to be nominated more for their message so I suppose it’s good that they get more people watching them thanks to their nominations. The actors did a decent enough job in this with an okay script & one-dimensional characters.

**I’m now able to watch Promising Young Woman, so I’ll try to watch it & get a review posted before the Oscars. I’ll do a post tomorrow with all the nominees & links to my reviews of all the films I’ve managed to see. Disappointing year so far! But I have yet to see a lot of those nominated in the major categories.

What are your favorite Oscar nominees this year & what do you most want to see win?

Ready Player One (2018) Review

Ready Player One (2018)

Directed by Steven Spielberg

Based on Ready Player One by Ernest Cline

Starring: Tye Sheridan, Olivia Cooke, Ben Mendelsohn, T.J. Miller, Simon Pegg, Mark Rylance

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDb)
When the creator of a virtual reality world called the OASIS dies, he releases a video in which he challenges all OASIS users to find his Easter Egg, which will give the finder his fortune.

My Opinion:

Where do I start?? I really enjoyed this film and, yes, I really enjoyed this book. I didn’t realize so many people had a problem with the book until reading Twitter these past few months. What the fuck was with all the backlash?! Fucking hell, people. Get a grip. It’s a fun, harmless story that was written for nerds obsessed with 80’s pop culture. Not your kind of thing? Fine. Don’t read the book or watch the movie. Maybe just shut the fuck up and let people reminisce if that’s what makes them happy? I really enjoy Twitter but the self-righteous bullshit is very hard to handle sometimes.

Okay – I’m clearly in a bad mood! I’ll just talk about the movie now. If you’ve read and enjoyed the book, be aware that there are loads of changes. This normally bothers me but I kind of liked it this time. I felt like I was watching a whole new story involving the same characters and it was entertaining to watch & not already know what was going to happen every step of the way. I kind of feel like there are two completely separate Ready Player One stories now and both are enjoyable. I’ll stay spoiler free so won’t go into any details but the biggest things changed (completely!) are the challenges involved in finding each key. Being a big film fan, I loved one of these new challenges and I’m very glad that bit stayed a surprise for me. So try to avoid spoilers and watch this soon if you’re a pop culture nerd like me.

I’ll say this, though – the movie doesn’t stay as true to the “EIGHTIES!!!!” thing as the book. I understand this will have been done to please a more general movie audience but it’s kind of a shame. Don’t get me wrong – there’s still shitloads of 80’s pop culture but it’s not as in-your-face as the book. Which is good in some ways but I still feel that the 80’s kids are being a tiny bit cheated with the film version. And the movie goes more “movie nerd” than “game nerd”, which is definitely more my kind of thing so I’m not complaining. But I think the lovers of classic video games may be a little disappointed at them having a far smaller part in the film.

I’m still trying to sort my thoughts out on this movie. I know this is one where I really should wait a while before writing about it… Is it going to be an all-time favorite Spielberg movie of mine? Probably not but he has so many great ones that it would be hard for him to ever top his classic films. I did do my Top Ten Steven Spielberg Movies HERE and I can say that Ready Player One wouldn’t make it onto that list. But I’ll post an updated list sometime and it will probably make it into the ten since I’d count the Indiana Jones (trilogy!!) as one on my own blog.

Sorry – I know I’ve said very little in this “review”. I’m having to keep things short on the blog lately due to lack of time. Plus I think it’s important to avoid spoilers for this one, making it hard to discuss. Plus… I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about the movie. I thoroughly enjoyed having a new Spielberg sci-fi thrill ride of a film. It was a lot of fun to watch and I’d forgotten it was 2 hours & 20 minutes long as it didn’t feel that way since there’s always so much going on. The characters, though changed slightly, are done as well as they need to be to keep the audience interested in their story and I think Spielberg improved things by focusing even more on their friendship.

Overall, the changes made for the movie were mostly improvements on what I realize isn’t exactly classic American literature. Yes, Spielberg “has done it again!”. I love Spielberg and I love him returning to this style of sci-fi. However, like the 80’s pop culture the story wishes to emulate, this movie will always just feel like a tribute to Spielberg’s best films as opposed to actually being one of his best. I really enjoyed Ready Player One, I’ll definitely watch it again, and I’ll buy it as soon as it’s released on DVD. But I’d still rather watch a genuine classic film from the Eighties instead.

My Rating: 7.5/10

Is There A Scene After The Credits?: No, there’s nothing during or after the credits.

Dope, Comet & Me And Earl And The Dying Girl Movie Reviews

Three mega quickies for three movies I watched last year. I have a lot of these old reviews to catch up on so I’m going to keep these threesomes short. Here we go!

Dope (2015)

Directed by Rick Famuyiwa

Starring: Shameik Moore, Tony Revolori, Kiersey Clemons, Kimberly Elise, Chanel Iman, Tyga, Blake Anderson, Zoë Kravitz, A$AP Rocky

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
Life changes for Malcolm, a geek who’s surviving life in a tough neighborhood, after a chance invitation to an underground party leads him and his friends into a Los Angeles adventure.

My Opinion:

I couldn’t wait to see this and the hubby & I immediately watched it the second it turned up on Netflix (or whichever service it was) instead of our usual “What should we watch?” deliberation which goes on for so long that we could watch an entire movie in the time we spend deciding what to watch. Probably one of the biggest disappointments that I’ve watched recently, I enjoyed very little about the movie Dope other than the fantastic soundtrack (which was great but also more predictable than I was hoping for). I think I’m just finally getting too old for certain teenage/twentysomething shit? Especially the quirky “indie-type” ones that try too hard (the next two are even more guilty of that than Dope).

I didn’t exactly hate this movie but no matter how many great artists you use in a film (Public Enemy! A Tribe Called Quest! Eric B. & Rakim!) it can’t disguise the fact that the story is weak & silly and only a couple of characters are likable. Shameik Moore is easily the best thing about the movie (after the music) so at least there was one character I cared about. Zoë Kravitz is also a decent character (with a much smaller role than I thought she’d have). Unfortunately, everyone else is an obnoxious asshole and the two “funny” best friends just annoyed me. Also, I suppose I’m showing my age & small town hickness but the only teenage parties I knew in the Eighties were, to quote Heathers, “keggers with kids”. Give me cheap beer in a field & some cow tipping! I can’t relate to you kids & your weird drugs. Okay – I’ve never actually tipped a cow. That seems cruel. Skip this movie & buy the soundtrack if you don’t already know all the songs. BUY the soundtrack. With actual money. That’s also how we did things in the old days!

My Rating: 6/10

Comet (2014)

Directed & Written by Sam Esmail

Starring: Emmy Rossum & Justin Long

Plot Synopsis: (from IMDB)
Set in a parallel universe, Comet bounces back and forth over the course of an unlikely but perfectly paired couple’s six-year relationship.

My Opinion:

What a load of pretentious bullshit. Feel free to give this one a go if you want to spend an hour & a half watching millennials whining about their first world relationship problems. Oh! And if you like that sort of thing, you’re really in for a treat since we get to see this couple whining in several slightly different scenarios since their relationship is shown in alternate realities. So clever!

I admit that I fell for the “parallel universe” thing in the synopsis so I put this on since I’m a sci-fi nerd. Don’t be fooled like I was! AVOID!!!!!! Do yourself a favor and go watch Arrival if you’re wanting a proper sci-fi drama. Or go watch anything other than this. Hell, just go watch a Nicholas Sparks movie if you’re wanting a bullshit melodramatic romance. At least you know what you’re gonna get with Nicholas Sparks movies since they don’t pretend to be anything other than silly & predictable. Hell, at least Nicholas Sparks characters usually have some goddamn chemistry unlike the two boring fuckers in Comet. And, most importantly, Nicholas Sparks movies know they’re stupid. Comet thinks it’s smart. You’re not smart just because you throw a “parallel universe” angle into a film to try to make it less boring. Comet is just a Nicholas Sparks movie minus any chemistry whatsoever between the characters and minus any good sex scenes.

My Rating: 4/10

Me And Earl And The Dying Girl (2015)

Directed by Alfonso Gomez-Rejon

Based on Me and Earl and the Dying Girl by Jesse Andrews

Starring: Thomas Mann, Olivia Cooke, RJ Cyler, Nick Offerman, Molly Shannon, Jon Bernthal, Connie Britton

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
High schooler Greg, who spends most of his time making parodies of classic movies with his co-worker Earl, finds his outlook forever altered after befriending a classmate who has just been diagnosed with cancer.

My Opinion:

I’m sorry this threesome is turning into a bitchathon. I’m also sorry to say that I was very disappointed with Me and Earl and the Dying Girl. But, this time, I’m not exactly sure why since this is the type of movie that’s usually my sort of thing.

I like plenty of indie movies (whether they’re the true definition of indie or just the hundreds of wannabe indies nowadays – I’m too lazy to look into whether this was an actual independent film or not). But they can either be brilliant or they can cross that line into pretentious bullshit (like the movie Comet, which stays over that line the entire time). I think the problem with MAEATDG (stupid long title) is that it crosses that line just a little too much for me to have truly bought into it. It tries just a little too hard to be unique. And, once again, I found that I just didn’t like the characters very much. Why is it so difficult to make likable or, at least, interesting and/or memorable characters? With the sad setup to this story, I expected to feel at least a slight emotional attachment to someone. At least the dying girl, right?? We didn’t seem to get to know her well – we mostly spent time with the mopey boy who’s at first pretty much forced to befriend her when she’s diagnosed with cancer. We did have the added bonus of the two boys making amateur films, which is a big YES to us movie nerds watching. It was indeed fun to see bits & pieces of their spoofs of classic films but it didn’t make up for the fact that I didn’t really care about anyone and just found the film surprisingly slow & unengaging. There’s a slight redemption at the end as I liked the presentation of the final film made by our main character and the overall movie itself ended well (as in, it ended how I expected it to and I think it was handled well). MAEATDG was certainly not a bad film. I have respect for everyone involved in its making & can understand why it would have fans. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, it just didn’t resonate with me. And I actually feel kind of bad about that! I’m sorry I didn’t like it that much.

My Rating: 6/10

Five Horror Movie Mini-Reviews (They Sucked Too Much For Their Own Posts)

These movies not worthy of full-length reviews are: Repo! The Genetic Opera, Let’s Scare Jessica To Death, The Quiet Ones, The Crazies, & The Victim.

I always do this – I plan to do horror movie reviews all of October then get bored halfway through. Unfortunately, I’ve watched a lot of bad movies in preparation this year and don’t have enough to say about them to do full reviews. So, I’m doing the worst five all together (leaving me with nothing to review the final week of October, unless I get time to watch some more. Oops!). This is because I only do movies I can watch on TV or Netflix so maybe next year I’ll actually spend out on some decent older films instead of reviewing whatever crap happens to be available to me at no extra cost.

Here we go! I’ll do these from “best” to worst (to be fair, the first one isn’t actually bad – it’s better than both Mama & The Sacrament, which I did review in full)…

The Crazies (2010)

Directed by Breck Eisner

Based on The Crazies by George A. Romero

Starring: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Joe Anderson, Danielle Panabaker

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The Crazies takes place in the fictional town of Ogden Marsh, Pierce County, Iowa, “friendliest place on Earth,” whose town water supply is accidentally infected with the “Trixie” virus. After an incubation period of 48 hours, this virus gradually transforms the mental state of the infected into that of cold, calculating, depraved, bloodthirsty killers, who then prey on family and neighbors alike.

My Opinion:

Sorry lovers of The Crazies – I just don’t have much to say about this one although I did think it was pretty decent for a modern horror movie & can see why it has its fans. I love Romero’s zombie films so did try to watch the original of this one years ago. I don’t remember much now but it started out very slow and, for whatever reason, I never finished it. It was no Dead film! I’ll give it another try if it pops up on the Horror Channel or something as I do like the concept of a virus making people go crazy. So… it’s not a lot different from the zombie thing anyway. This remake is really just 28 Days Later but not as good.

As you can see by that picture, this one is pretty bloody. It was a bit too violent for my taste (I hated one bit with a pitchfork but found that scene pretty tense so I guess it did its job in that regard). I thought the movie almost got the balance right, though, in focusing on a small set of characters in small-town-Midwest-America and making us like them in between scenes of pitchfork nastiness. I’m always kind of fond of movies set in small-town-Midwest-America as I can still relate to that having grown up in a town so similar to this movie’s Ogden Marsh. I’m not sure why I didn’t like The Crazies more than I did as it had the perfect set-up (for me) and, at first, seemed like the type of movie I was really going to enjoy. Had they focused on the character development a little more and the violence a little less, I’d have rated this more highly. Plus, there’s a big explosion at one point that looked so dodgy that I couldn’t help but laugh even though I don’t normally notice that kind of thing.

I think I was just too distracted while watching this because, like with most movies I watch at home these days, I’m sure I was getting a blog post ready while it was on as I don’t have time to do just one or the other. That’s why I’ll be cutting way back on my number of posts once October is over – I want to enjoy movies again when I actually make the time to watch them. Sorry for the little tangent but I’m just trying to explain why I maybe didn’t fully appreciate The Crazies. If I ever watch the original, I may revisit the remake again as well and see if my opinion changes. I wanted to like it more. I’ve certainly seen worse! (Like, the four movies below….).

My Rating: 6/10

Let’s Scare Jessica To Death (1971)

Directed by John Hancock (I wonder what his signature looks like?)

Starring: Zohra Lampert, Barton Heyman, Kevin O’Connor, Gretchen Corbett, Alan Manson, Mariclare Costello

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A recently institutionalized woman has bizarre experiences after moving into a supposedly haunted country farmhouse and fears she may be losing her sanity once again.

My Opinion:

Let’s bore Jessica to death by making her watch this movie. Apparently this is a cult classic? Well, that’s said about lots of old horror movies so I don’t know if that’s true or not. Don’t get me wrong – there are elements of this movie that I did like and I’d always choose to watch some old moody & atmospheric 70’s horror movie like this, bad clothing and hairstyles and all, over the crap that gets made nowadays. But this one really is just too damn boring, even for an older person like me who has a fair bit of patience and can appreciate a slow build-up. I thought nothing was ever going to happen in this thing. Luckily, the last twenty minutes or so are pretty good. Well, compared to the rest of the film anyway. Or maybe I was just happy that something finally happened?!

So, Jessica is nuts and her husband moves her to a secluded farmhouse to recover after she’s been released from the hospital. But all this weird stuff starts happening and, through Jessica’s rather annoying thoughts (which we can hear out loud during the whole movie), we don’t know whether she’s once again going mad, if her husband and all the creepy locals are playing games and trying to drive her insane, or if there really is some ghostly shit going on. Jessica becomes obsessed with an old photograph in the farmhouse showing the family who once lived there & is told by the local antiques dealer that the young woman in the photo drowned and that she now haunts the area as a vampire.

So what’s really going on?!?! I have no idea because I lost interest! Which is too bad since this movie was almost cool at the end – it had a real Rosemary’s Baby feel for a few minutes there with some eerie old small town locals (in that picture up there). Well, I suppose that’s an insult to the far superior Rosemary’s Baby. If you really REALLY love low-budget 70’s horror that’s more about mood & atmosphere than actual gore & violence, you might like this okay. It’s the type of thing I normally like but this one just didn’t work for me. It probably didn’t help that Jessica was annoying as hell.

My Rating: 5/10

The Quiet Ones (2014)

Directed by John Pogue

Starring: Jared Harris, Sam Claflin, Olivia Cooke, Erin Richards

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The Quiet Ones is a 2014 British supernatural horror starring Jared Harris as a college professor attempting to prove poltergeists are manifestations of the human psyche and not supernatural beings. The film is loosely based on the Philip experiment, a 1972 parapsychology experiment conducted in Toronto.

My Opinion:

Good lord – this was as boring as Let’s Scare Jessica To Death! But this one doesn’t have the advantage of actually being made in the Seventies like that one (although it’s set in 1970-something), so therefore it’s not groovy in any way. Fake Seventies grooviness just doesn’t work in the same way – American Hustle is proof of that! This is just a boring movie made in 2014 in which the characters wear ugly clothes & listen to Slade’s Cum On Feel The Noize over & over. (Although I’m not gonna lie – I totally like that song because I’m old & thoroughly uncool).

So there’s paranormal stuff and experiments on a crazy girl with a doll and Slade and the chick I couldn’t stand in Gotham (Barbara) which I stopped watching along with most every TV series I’ve attempted to watch in the last five years and, hey, the crazy girl with the doll is the girl in Me And Earl And The Dying Girl which I kind of wanted to go see but couldn’t talk the hubby into and my god they play that Slade song a lot in this (just in case you forgot it was 1970-something!!!) and the Me And Earl’s Dying Girl spits a lot of black shit out and most everyone gets killed and I really was paying no attention by the end and was questioning why I watch shit like this just to have something to “review” in October.

My Rating: 4/10

Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)

Directed by Darren Lynn Bousman

Based on The Necromerchant’s Debt by Terrance Zdunich & Darren Smith

Starring: Alexa Vega, Paul Sorvino, Anthony Stewart Head, Sarah Brightman, Paris Hilton, Bill Moseley, Ogre, Terrance Zdunich

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A worldwide epidemic encourages a biotech company to launch an organ-financing program similar in nature to a standard car loan. The repossession clause is a killer, however.

My Opinion:

What the fuck? No, seriously – what the fuck?!? No, really – can someone explain this thing to me?? I’d never even heard of this one until someone mentioned it somewhere on my blog recently (I don’t know who or where but I think they said something favorable about this movie. Here’s hoping whoever it was doesn’t read my review. If whoever you are is reading this, I apologize). 😉 Because I hated this stupid piece of shit!!!!!!!

That’s Sarah Fucking Brightman of, like, famous musicals fame & shit. In this fucking movie! WTF?

So this was some actual opera several years before the movie, I guess. I didn’t do much research into it as I disliked the movie so much but, as far as I can tell, this has a following in the same way that The Rocky Horror Picture Show does?? I saw plenty of cosplay photos when looking up images for this post. Okay, fine – I can understand that. This movie is clearly about “image” and I can see why girls would want to dress up as Brightman’s Blind Mag or Shilo, the movie’s young heroine:

According to Wikipedia, this movie is a “splatterpunk, rock opera, musical comedy, horror film“. Splatterpunk?? I’d not heard that phrase before but it sounds like the perfect way to describe this one. Splatter indeed! Of these five movies, this one is the goriest & most blood-splattered by far. As you can see from the poster, it’s from the producers of Saw. Barf! I hate the Saw films (well, the first was okay). I didn’t know this before sticking the movie on when I saw it was on the Horror Channel. Just like I didn’t know that Paris Hilton had a big role in this. Paris fucking Hilton! She plays a spoiled rich bitch addicted to plastic surgery. At least her face falls off: 

I think what annoyed me so much is that this movie sounded kind of cool and I was excited when I saw that I’d be able to watch it. And it started out okay and had the potential to be a bit of fun. Plus the repo man himself looked pretty rad:

This movie is a Goth Sado-Masochist’s wet dream. If that’s your sort of thing, rush out and watch this movie immediately. No, really – you’ll love it! I’m not being a smart ass – I totally understand why this movie has a fan base. That’s why I’ve included all the pictures as it’ll give you an idea of what this movie is like. But, goddamn, the movie is a fucking mess. It’s just really bad. It looks good, yes! The visuals and the costumes and the set and the comic book imagery scattered throughout the film are all pretty impressive but they don’t make up for the godawful acting or the fact that half the actors can’t sing for shit (not that it really matters with such unmemorable, mediocre songs). Plus, the constant singing with the constant, obnoxious, “heavy metal” guitar noise drove me mad. MAD! I wanted to repo the cast’s fucking vocal chords!

Hey, though, Anthony Head is in this monstrosity. Remember when he had that “coffee romance” over a series of several Taster’s Choice commercials? I loved those! I always thought they should do more commercials that told a story like those. And I found out a few years ago that the woman in those commercials is Alice Eve’s mother. “Alice Eve hot” is one of my top search terms so, awesome, I just managed to mention her again in a wonderfully obscure & roundabout way!

Anyway, those Taster’s Choice commercials were a million times better than Repo! The Genetic Opera. I think the main problem is that this movie tries too damn hard and ends up feeling completely forced, desperate, and pathetic. Basically, this movie is a 40-year-old stripper. Get off the damn pole and look for a new career! Speaking of strippers, let’s move onto the worst movie I’ve watched in the three-year history of my blog…

My Rating: 3/10

The Victim (2011)

Directed, written by & starring Michael Biehn

Starring: Michael Biehn, Jennifer Blanc, Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood, Danielle Harris

Plot Synopsis: (via me)
The slutty brunette stripper (who we find out in flashbacks is actually a sweet slutty brunette stripper), gets killed. Michael Biehn fucks the blonde stripper. I don’t know what happens after that as I only saw the first half of this movie & that was more than enough for me.

My Opinion:

I’ve mentioned my love for Michael Biehn’s Kyle Reese several times on this blog. So, one day, Filmnerdblog’s Laura tweeted me about a movie on The Horror Channel that was directed by, written by, and starring my beloved Kyle Reese. Er. Um. Ugh. (Do you think there’s any chance that Michael Biehn might read this?? I better keep it short as I actually still find him pretty hot).

Two skanky strippers pick up these two guys (cops if I remember correctly – I can’t be bothered to verify). They go into the woods and the fucking commences. The cute one (Danielle Harris – she’ll be very well known to horror fans. What are you doing in this, Danielle?!?) lets one of the disgusting dudes screw her Game-Of-Thrones-Style (from behind like a dog) while she looks bored & says things like “Why don’t you just come already?”. Charming. So he snaps her neck. Do strippers know how to pick ’em or what? The blonde stripper gets away & ends up at Michael Biehn’s house in the middle of the woods. He’s a hot old recluse. They screw & she says something along the lines of “you may be 54 but you don’t fuck like you’re 54″ (or whatever age he was in this). Really? Oh, Michael Biehn… You were so damn sexy as Kyle Reese but I really question your writing skills.

Anyway, one of the two guys (the actual killer or the other guy – I don’t remember) ends up at Biehn’s house & Biehn ties him up and starts to torture him a bit. At this point I turned it off as I couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. I did, however, plan to finish it another night (while writing a blog post as it played in the background). But when I went to play the recording, it had disappeared off the box! I was devastated! And by “devastated”, I mean “relieved”. I’ve forced myself to finish every single movie I’ve started since I began this blog. It’s, like, my duty as one of a million shitty blog writers! I’ll now never know how this sad stripper tale ends or be able to see more cheesy flashbacks of the two strippers having a girly chat to prove that they’re actually “nice, sweet strippers” who don’t deserve to have their necks broken. Okay, I could read about the ending online but I’m happy to let the rest of the film forever remain a mystery.

My Rating: 1.5/10