The Meg (2018) Review

The Meg (2018)

Directed by Jon Turteltaub

Based on Meg: A Novel of Deep Terror by Steve Alten

Starring: Jason Statham, Li Bingbing, Rainn Wilson, Ruby Rose, Winston Chao, Cliff Curtis, Shuya Sophia Cai

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The Meg follows a group of scientists who encounter a 75-foot-long (23 m) megalodon shark while on a rescue mission at the floor of the Pacific Ocean.

My Opinion:

I’m not gonna lie: I liked The Meg! But it’s NOT good. Being a movie blogger I probably come across as a slight movie snob sometimes. Yes, I like a load of worthy classics and I don’t even bother talking to real life people about most of the films I love as I know they’ll not have seen half of them let alone have even heard of them. But I like shit like this too sometimes, dammit. It’s possible to enjoy the worthy films as well as the ridiculous popcorn movies. And, yes – this movie is as ridiculous as we were all probably expecting.

I’ll start by saying that I’m maybe giving this film a rating that’s at least half a point higher than it deserves. That’s because I think reviews have been slightly too harsh. It’s a movie about a big fuck-off prehistoric shark, for crying out loud. And, hello? It stars Jason Fucking Statham, not Meryl Streep. Are people expecting Oscar worthiness or something?? You know what this dumb ass disaster thriller does have that quite a few dumb ass movies in this genre don’t have, though? Likable characters! Cliché & formulaic characters, yes. But who cares? I want characters that I like. I say this all the time. It’s possible to spend a little bit of extra time writing a few characters that we care about, even for a dumb movie like this. That makes a dumb movie like this far more enjoyable (for me, at least – the characters are just as important to me as a film’s story). I didn’t want these people to get eaten (except for one jerk who you’re supposed to want to see get eaten). I think the problem may be that this fucked-up society we live in actually wants a movie full of assholes who all get eaten???? Sorry – they don’t all get eaten in this. Maybe that’s why it’s had bad reviews?

You know how I know this movie had fairly decent characters? I didn’t want Jason Statham to get eaten! I’m not a fan. For the most part, I avoid Statham films like the plague. Other than Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels, he’s in the shitty kind of action movies that I hate. But I liked him fine in this. I’d probably have liked this movie more with a different action actor… (was The Rock unavailable?!). But he was fine and I seriously wanted the romance to fully blossom between him and the smart, pretty oceanographer (played by Li Bingbing). And her daughter (Shuya Sophia Cai) was cute as shit without being at all annoying in that way they often write kids’ characters in bad movies. I wanted them to all live happily ever after. And, you know what? These characters were upset when other characters died. They didn’t just go “oh well” and move onto the next scene. So many movies in this genre do that. Ruby Rose was terrible, though. I’m sorry if she has fans – I don’t really know anything about her. She has an interesting look but she made Statham’s acting look like Meryl Streep’s after all.

What else can I say? This movie is dumb but fun and we at least get some characters who are slightly more well written than we normally get in this genre. I mean, they have a bit of humanity to them. I think The Meg was marketed somewhat wrong as well, which may not have helped. It looked like it would just be a load of absolute carnage with all those people by the beach (in that colorful poster up there – it’s actually quite a good poster). This isn’t that shitty 2010 Piranha movie (starring Statham’s real-life ex-girlfriend, actually. Ha!). Maybe people were expecting loads of blood & limbs flying everywhere. Don’t go in expecting that and you may appreciate this more. The majority of time is spent on the group of researchers who discover (and accidentally unleash) this massive shark and must then survive while trying to hunt it down.

My Rating: 7/10

Cooties (2014) Review

Cooties (2014)

Directed by Jonathan Milott & Cary Murnion

Starring: Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson, Jack McBrayer, Jorge Garcia

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A mysterious virus hits an isolated elementary school, transforming the kids into a feral swarm of mass savages. An unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers in the fight of their lives.

My Opinion:

I know I’ve been reviewing horror movies for all of October but I didn’t actually watch any of them in October. I’ve finally watched my first horror movie this month! I watched Cooties on Thursday night. I have to say it was one hell of a disappointment, especially as it’s the only damn horror I’ve watched in quite a while.

I’ll keep this review short. I love a good horror comedy (Yes, I did a Top Ten HERE). I especially love a good zombie comedy (as you’ll see on that list, I chose several ZomComs). ZomCom! I love that term. And I love that there’s actually a ZomRomCom with Warm Bodies… By the way – I know this is “virus” movie and not strictly a “zombie” movie. Whatever. It’s still a zombie movie. And possibly the weakest of all the ZomComs that I’ve seen.

What can I say? Mainly that Cooties wasn’t very funny. I had a couple of very small giggles & that was it. For me, the comedy part of a horror comedy is far more important than the horror part, so… I expect more than a couple small giggles. This is no Shaun Of The Dead! As for the horror part, I wouldn’t say Cooties managed to get this right either. It’s mainly some “gross-out” low budget effects & there’s no real sense of fear for these teachers trapped in a school while the children go berserk. I’ll say that I hadn’t watched this sooner as, even though it’s a comedy, I still didn’t like the thought of them having to kill a bunch of kids. They did what I expected: They made the kids complete & utter assholes so you wouldn’t feel so bad! They did at least make two kids likable, who aren’t infected & end up with the teachers. I was glad about that. Just FYI for the childless or the child-haters watching this: Kids aren’t usually evil, people! If they’re bratty, it’s probably because their parents are c*^ts. Yeah, I used that word since it was used in this movie. 😉

Meh. Sorry. I know I don’t have a lot to say about this one. I was just kind of bored. Elijah Wood, Alison Pill & Rainn Wilson did a decent enough job with a weak script but I didn’t care about the rest of the characters. Oh, wait – I also kind of liked Jorge Garcia’s stoner character. I kept going “Hurley!” because I loved him in Lost. Remember those first couple of seasons when Lost was good?! The ZomCom I’d say this is most similar to is Life After Beth. That was also meh. But I think I ever so slightly preferred that one…

My Rating: 5.5/10

By the way, I thought of a positive comment to add so I don’t sound so negative. I do think this Cooties poster is pretty great and I liked how it appeared outside a cinema in the film, next to a poster of A Girl Walks Home Alone At Night:

**Edit to say that I watched another horror movie after writing this review. I watched the Netflix adaptation of Stephen King’s 1922. I’ll be reviewing that on Monday followed by a review on Tuesday of Gerald’s Game.

I’ll then do a few days of Mike Flanagan movie reviews before ending on the 30th & 31st with reviews of my two favorite horrors that I watched at home this year. Neither of those films are in English. You need to start making better horror movies, Hollywood!

Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017) Review

Smurfs: The Lost Village (2017)

Directed by Kelly Asbury

Based on The Smurfs by Peyo

Starring: Demi Lovato, Rainn Wilson, Joe Manganiello, Jack McBrayer, Danny Pudi, Michelle Rodriguez, Ellie Kemper, Ariel Winter, Meghan Trainor, Jake Johnson, Mandy Patinkin, Julia Roberts

Production company: Sony Pictures Animation

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
In this fully animated, all-new take on the Smurfs, a mysterious map sets Smurfette and her friends Brainy, Clumsy and Hefty on an exciting race through the Forbidden Forest leading to the discovery of the biggest secret in Smurf history.

My Opinion:

I don’t have the energy to “review” this. I suppose Smurfs: The Lost Village isn’t as bad as those godawful live action movies they did with Doogie Howser but that’s not saying much. I know I’m probably too picky on kids’ movies but it’s hard not to be when Pixar & Disney have proven that it is actually possible to make really good movies that people of all ages enjoy. This movie has that “straight to video” feel and it’s one that parents will stick on for their kids to watch while they go & do housework or something. So I suppose that’s one positive thing about it? They should stick that on the cover when it comes out on DVD! “Smurfs: The Lost Village is a good ‘keep the kids entertained while you do housework’ movie.” – Cinema Parrot Disco.

I suppose I’m also a little extra picky since I adored the Smurfs cartoon as a kid in the Eighties so can’t help but compare. At least they didn’t mess with the look of the Smurfs too much but it unfortunately didn’t work as well as The Peanuts Movie, which I really enjoyed. To be fair, this movie is at least a step in the right direction and I don’t think it does any damage to the Smurfs legacy (unlike the horrible live action ones). Actually, I’m not entirely sure why this movie doesn’t quite work. It could’ve been worse but a dull story and some pretty bad casting of voice actors who didn’t suit the characters made for an hour & a half that felt very long in our uncomfortable cinema seats. I hated Gargamel – sorry Rainn Wilson! And Jack McBrayer as Clumsy Smurf probably isn’t to everyone’s taste… His voice can get highly irritating after an hour & a half (or two minutes). I guess Demi Lovato was fine as Smurfette since I didn’t really give her voice any thought and didn’t know until the end credits who had played her. There’s some bland & totally forgettable pop music in the movie, which always annoys me in kids’ films. Oh – except for Blue (Da Ba Dee) by Eiffel 65, which is a thoroughly embarrassing guilty pleasure of mine. Pure cheese! But less embarrassing than this movie.

Okay – a slight spoiler now (if you care). But as my kid pointed out during the movie, she knew all about the lost village already thanks to the toys that have been released (my kid likes to complain about SPOILERS! It’s adorable). The totally predictable & not at all surprising mystery of the lost village is that it’s all girl Smurfs. So Smurfette is finally not the only female Smurf. I’d have never guessed! I only bring it up because it felt like that all female community on The Walking Dead, giving me & hubby the opportunity to make Negan jokes to each other throughout the film to help ease our boredom. Maybe we can make Smurfs jokes to ease our boredom while watching The Walking Dead next season (since that show SUCKS lately – why do we keep watching?!). I think this “review” is finished. I’m going to go do some housework.

My Rating: 4.5/10