Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus (2013) Review For Shitfest At The IPC

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I wrote about the godawful indie-nightmare Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus for the now-famous Shitfest over at Isaacs Picture Conclusions.

You can read my review HERE. Warning: Things get a little hairy…

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Let The Right One In (2008) IMDB Top 250 Guest Review

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Today’s IMDB Top 250 Guest Review comes from Eric of The IPC. He’s already done reviews for Se7en (HERE) & Twelve Monkeys (HERE) & There Will Be Blood (HERE) & Fight Club (HERE). Thanks so much for all these reviews, Eric! 🙂 Now let’s see what he has to say about Let The Right One In, IMDB rank 250 out of 250…

There are still some movies up for grabs if anyone wants to do a guest IMDB Top 250 review. You can find the list of remaining films HERE. See the full list & links to all the reviews that have already been done HERE.

Also, if you’d like to add a link to your IMDB Review(s) on your own blogs, feel free to use any of the logos I’ve used at the top of any of these guest reviews.

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Fight Club (1999) IMDB Top 250 Guest Review

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Today’s IMDB Top 250 Guest Review comes from Eric of The IPC. He’s already done reviews for Se7en (HERE) & Twelve Monkeys (HERE) & There Will Be Blood (HERE). Thanks so much for all these reviews, Eric! 🙂 Now let’s see what he has to say about Fight Club, IMDB rank 10 out of 250…

There are still some movies up for grabs if anyone wants to do a guest IMDB Top 250 review. You can find the list of remaining films HERE. See the full list & links to all the reviews that have already been done HERE.

Also, if you’d like to add a link to your IMDB Review(s) on your own blogs, feel free to use any of the logos I’ve used at the top of any of these guest reviews. I know I’ve made a few that are specific to the movie being reviewed. I’ll also do an IMDB update post soon & will post some more logos.

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**WARNING: SPOILERS. AND DONGS.**

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Join Me For A Shitfest Social!

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This is a reminder that I’m hosting the Nighttime Shitfest Shitfest Social over at The IPC tonight at:

5:00 PM U.S. CENTRAL TIME
6:00 PM U.S. EASTERN TIME
11:00 PM UK TIME

I couldn’t find an easy way to include loads of time zones – you can see a good map HERE if you’re unsure of the time difference.

We’ll be watching the above movie, Alone In The Dark, and trashing discussing the film in the comments section as we watch it together. See full details HERE.

I hope you can join me in trashing this movie! If you can’t make that time, Eric himself will be hosting an earlier Shitfest Shitfest Social at 2:00pm US Central Time (8:00pm UK time). The movie being watched for that is Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan. See full details of that HERE. 🙂

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There Will Be Blood (2007) IMDB Top 250 Guest Review

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Today’s IMDB Top 250 Guest Review comes from Eric of The IPC. He’s already done reviews for Se7en (HERE) and for Twelve Monkeys (HERE). Thanks so much for being a part of this, Eric! 🙂 Now let’s see what he has to say about There Will Be Blood, IMDB rank 173 out of 250…

There are still some movies up for grabs if anyone wants to do a guest IMDB Top 250 review. You can find the list of remaining films HERE. See the full list & links to all the reviews that have already been done HERE.

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***WARNING: SPOILERS***

THERE WILL BE BLOOD….

I received this stinking piece of shit in the mail the other week, wondering why the fuck I ordered this from Netflix. Surely I was beered up and thinking I could give it a good rogering on my site since I saw it back whenever it came out on DVD and I hated it. “I drink your milkshake” my fucking ass, pretentious cocksuckers. I eventually got around to watching it again and started mentioning it on Twitter to my Proby buddies and, you know, it’s not too bad after all. I think what pissed me off is that this came with a lot of hype about how fucking AMAZING Daniel Day Lewis is and all of this other bullshit so I went into it with a good, thick buzz and hated on it.  Watching it the other day… it’s not too bad. I appreciate its Epic-ness and all of that shit but Lewis and his line delivery still bothered me and…… Paul Dano is fucking weird.

Exhibit A: Dano seen in the wild. Subject appears aggressive, feminine.  c. 2010

Exhibit A: Dano seen in the wild. Subject appears aggressive, feminine, armed. c. 2010

I actually kind of liked the beginning when he blows open that hole and the ladder breaks when he’s heading back down. He gets his gold and crawls back to town, across the desert with one fucking arm. Can you imagine??? After I wrote those last words, I sat back in my chair and looked at my whiteboard I haven’t written on in five years. Up in the right hand corner I wrote the word ANTIMACASSAR at some point. Does anyone besides me know what that is??? NO CHEATING!! Cinema Parrot Disco is holding a contest. First one to get that right wins a one way ticket to Mustang, Oklahoma, the anus of the state I live in..

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I think this speaks for itself.

 

Back to There Will Be Blood. I know that no one has ever seen this so I am going to go into VERY lengthy detail about the plot, the symbolism, the epic imagery and meaningful score. Right now. Some dude finds some gold, makes a bunch of money in the oil business, hates his son and kills a preacher in a bowling alley.  Peace.

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The artist: shitting himself in the wild.

I would like to thank Cinema Parrot Disco for having me over here today. I realize that I am Unclean and Smelly but I appreciate the pity and mercy she has shown The Poor Sinner. I have taken the devil into my mouth and have become accursed.  Cinema Nine Table is truly an Angel of Mercy and Compassion and without any hesitation I say that she is a Flower sent down from The Garden of Heaven. I have a saying I like to say that goes like this: “None but the Righteous are called to live in The Principal” and she is the embodiment of that Principal. A true Cherub.

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***Note from Cinema Parrot Disco, the True Cherub:

As you probably know, Eric hosts the always entertaining Shitfest and you can view all the current Shitfest 2014: Summer entries HERE (including my review of Moshi Monsters: The Movie HERE).

Also, this Friday, his site will be hosting not one but TWO Shitfest Socials in which anyone who wants to join in can gather together and all watch a really bad movie at the same time & trash it in the comments section! Sound like fun?

Eric will be hosting the first social (Movie: Axe Giant: The Wrath Of Paul Bunyan – full details HERE) and I’ll be hosting the second one (Movie: Alone In The Dark – full details HERE ). It would be great if you could all join us for one of these – just leave a comment at the above links & let Eric know. 🙂

Moshi Monsters: The Movie (2013) Review For Shitfest At The IPC

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Most of you probably know by now but this dude named Eric over at The IPC runs something called Shitfest in which bloggers all take turns reviewing really bad movies then we all get to vote for the best review. You can view my entry, a “review” of Moshi Monsters: The Movie, HERE. 🙂

**NOTE: I’m going to do a mini serious review here:

I’ve been busy lately & not had time to do many reviews so I asked in this poll HERE which film I should review next. Well, Moshi Monsters: The Movie won by a landslide. I figure either some people were messing with me or else a bunch of 5-year-olds somehow ended up on my blog. 😉 So, in case the votes were for real, here’s a quick honest opinion of the movie (the Shitfest review is obviously just for fun – don’t read it if you’re five! It’s very rude & swear-y):

This is NOT a good movie. As an adult, you’ll hate it. This isn’t a Pixar film – it was made ONLY for kids under the age of 7 or so. You’ll be bored out of your mind if you’re older than that. However, your young kids will love it if they’re already a fan of Moshi Monsters (but probably not if they aren’t – I think they’d need to know the characters a little in the first place). There’s nothing wrong with the film and certainly nothing inappropriate. It’s just… stupid. There’s not really a better word for it. So, if you voted for me to review this movie because you have a kid who likes Moshi Monsters, I can tell you that they WILL like this movie and I can at least say that there’s nothing you’d have to worry about your kids seeing in this – it’s aimed at a very young age group. Just balance it out with a Pixar movie as well so that their brains don’t rot. To be fair, it’s a lot better than all those Barbie movies! 🙂

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**Stay tuned tomorrow for another IMDB guest review from Mr IPC himself!

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Who Wants To Watch A Movie With Me?

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Who’d like to watch a (SHITTY!) movie with me? For real? Well… On the 11th of July you can watch the fabulous Alone In The Dark with me and a bunch of other brave souls over at The IPC for his Shitfest Social. And I’ll be the host! 🙂

Click HERE for the full details of date, time & place. Let us know if you can join in! There’s also another crappy movie being watched earlier that day so hopefully everyone will be able to join in on one of them. We’ll have great fun trashing this (apparently horrible) movie!

Magic Mike (2012) Review

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You may be aware that The IPC was taken over this week by these lovely ladies: Zoe, Smash, and Cara (or should I say Miguel?? I don’t want to piss him off!). 😉

Anyway, Eric stupidly kindly agreed to let me take over today. The fool! So I posted about a shitty movie full of half naked men. You can read my review of Magic Mike HERE.

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Twelve Monkeys (1995) IMDB Top 250 Guest Review

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Today’s IMDB Top 250 Guest Review comes from Eric of The IPC. He’s already done a bonkers review of Se7en (which you can read HERE) and now he’s back to give us another review in typical Eric-style. 😉 Thanks so much for joining in on this IMDB thing, Eric! Now let’s see what he has to say about Twelve Monkeys, IMDB rank 180 out of 250…

There are still some movies up for grabs if anyone wants to do a guest IMDB Top 250 review. You can find the list HERE. See the full list & links to all the films that have been reviewed HERE.

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Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)

In a future world devastated by disease, a convict is sent back in time to gather information about the man-made virus that wiped out most of the human population on the planet.

12 MONKEYS – 1995

We’ve all seen 12 MONKEYS, right? RIGHT??? RIGHT???!!!??? Well, since we’ve all seen it at least 30 times, I recently constructed a highly safe, comfortable, humane movie theater and screened it for twelve monkeys who hadn’t seen it. Using my high tech and professional recording devices, let’s see what they had to say.

Subject 1: Babboo Jones

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That was pretty good, Meester. That was made by Terry Gilliam?? The Monty Python guy?? Not bad, I need to see some more of his shit. Can I get my fucking bananas now???

Subject 2: Peepers “Stinky Butt” Brown

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They “live underground like worms?????” YIKES!! Also – LOL!!! “You are the most bootiful woman I have ever seen” HAHAHAHAHA!!! Even I can spell better than that I’m a shit eating monkey!!!!

Subject 3: Johnny “Stinkfinger” Harris

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Remember when Brad Pitt was cool?? Remember when he’d do character stuff like this?? Now he’s all ‘I’m fuckin’ Brad Pitt!! Look at my woman’s hair!!!” and shit. What a dope. OOOPS, sorry, just farted.

Subject 4: Daniel Isaacs (no relation)

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Time Travel, eh? Interesting. I like how it’s new for them and it’s not always correct. Hey – was that Arthur Dent?? The original one. From the TV show.

Subject 5: Raul Buena Vista De La Munoz

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What the fuck is that smell coming from the break room??? It smells like broccoli and SHIT. Excuse me for a minute.

Subject 6: Caitlynn “Like A Whisper” Simpson-Bonilla

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I like how we had to look at Bruce Willis’ butt. Not once but TWICE! MEEEEEEOOOOOW PUSSYCAT!!!

Subject 7: (name redacted)

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DID HE JUST EAT A FUCKING SPIDER??!?!!!??????!!!!

Subject 8: Lisa “The Angel” Scheueczk

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I really liked how it ended with the ki – DID I JUST HEAR A GUNSHOT?????!?!

(audible screams from outside screening room)

I have blood on my hands…. I HAVE BLOOD ON MY HANDS!!!!!!

Subject 9: Phillip “The Distance” Fudge (that’s really his last name)

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“The boy is hiding in a barn” CLASSIC!!

Subject 10: Jeffrey “Bleeding Gums” Johnson

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This is a total Sci-Fi classic – all the way! Great acting and story telling! I’m VERY hungry. VERY.

Subject 11: Jimmy “The Schnozz” Durante

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Where’s the fucking food??? HA CHA CHA CHA CHA CHA.

NOTE: At this point the subjects were becoming unruly due to lack of feeding. The Alpha soon took charge.

Subject 12: BRIAN @ HARD TICKET TO HOME VIDEO

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EAT SHIT ISAACS!!! HERE COMES A KNUCKLE BALL!!!! (flings a handful of fresh poop)

And with that, the session ended and I was left with quite a mess to clean up.

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**Terry Gilliam has called 12 Monkeys “part of a dystopian satire trilogy or Orwellian triptych” begun with Brazil and ending with The Zero Theorem. Without meaning to, I guess Eric & I have recently reviewed this “trilogy”. You can read his review of Brazil HERE and my review of The Zero Theorem HERE.

My Top Five April Fools

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The beautiful Cara over at Silver Screen Serenade is doing a really fun series called “April Fools” in which we all discuss our favorite lovable idiots from films and/or television. Go have a look at all the great entries so far! You can see my list of My Top Five April Fools HERE. Thanks, Cara! 🙂

And speaking of lovable idiots, I never mentioned that I also took part in Eric’s epic post about the, um, *wonderful* television show True Detective over at The IPC. A bunch of great people got together & talked about how much they love that damn show. Read all about it HERE (but maybe skip my bit if you really love the show – I’ve had enough abuse!). 😉

And here’s a photo of Garrett Hedlund for no reason whatsoever:

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Oh! And I almost forgot – I did some bitching once again at the blog I call by its shorter title because I’m lazy: Don’t Sit By Me Ahole. Read about annoying couriers HERE and let the lovely Eric above know if you’d like to contribute to this fantastic blog. 🙂

Weird Science (1985) Review At The IPC

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The John Hughes Blogathon reviews officially kick off now with my double review of Weird Science with Eric of The IPC. You can read what we both think of the film HERE.

I posted yesterday about how much the John Hughes films mean to me and why I’m doing this blogathon. It blew my mind a little when I found out that Eric, who is about the same age as me, didn’t watch most of the teen John Hughes movies back when we were teenagers. What?! So he kindly agreed to watch & review several Hughes films for this blogathon. Thanks again, Eric, for watching movies I know aren’t your normal type of thing and for inspiring me to finally do my own blogathon. 🙂

And stay tuned for a review later today from a guest blogger reviewing another classic teen movie from Hughes.

My Review Of The Hottie & The Nottie At The IPC

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Thanks to Eric at The IPC for letting me participate in Shitfest 2013: Fall. I think. I mean, I watched The Hottie & The Nottie… It wasn’t easy! Review HERE.

Seriously – check out his site if you haven’t already. His movie reviews are hilarious and always a fun read. 🙂