Only Lovers Left Alive (2013) & Byzantium (2012) Reviews

Saw these two together after really wanting to see them for ages. I was massively disappointed. Here are two quickie reviews…

Only Lovers Left Alive (2013)

Directed & Written by Jim Jarmusch

Starring: Tilda Swinton, Tom Hiddleston, Mia Wasikowska, Anton Yelchin, Jeffrey Wright, Slimane Dazi, John Hurt

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
A depressed musician reunites with his lover. Though their romance, which has already endured several centuries, is disrupted by the arrival of her uncontrollable younger sister.

My Opinion:

Good god this movie was boring. I’d really been wanting to watch it because I find Tilda Swinton interesting, Mia Wasikowska has been pretty decent in things like Stoker, and I always really liked sweet Anton Yelchin (RIP). Hiddleston is okay – I can take him or leave him. Oh! And John Hurt (RIP)! Hurt was awesome (I did a list not too long ago of My Top Ten John Hurt Movies. Luckily, I don’t have to update that list to add Only Lovers Left Alive).

Anyway, Hurt was great in this – he was the best part of the film (for me). Swinton was also fun to watch. I usually like her a lot but, sometimes, she annoys me (like in Okja). Mysterious vampire is the perfect kind of role for her, though, so she was good in this. I suppose Hiddleston did well with the role but all he did was mope the whole damn time. How did Swinton’s character put up with that mopey bastards for hundreds of years (or thousands, maybe – I don’t remember)? If I want mopey “teen-angsty” vampires, I’ll watch Twilight. Can’t vampires be happy?! They’re immortal! That’s cool, isn’t it? Grumpy fuckers. Or is that grumpy suckers? This movie just reinforces my opinion that The Lost Boys is the best vampire movie ever. 😉

Um. What else? I’m bored. Review over! Just so you know, nothing happens in this movie. Hiddleston mopes. Swinton puts up with his moping. Wasikowska is a total bitch who stays with mopey Hiddleston & big sis Swinton for a while, which makes Hiddleston mope even more. Yelchin (the only non-vampire) and Hurt (a dying vampire – I can’t remember how that’s possible and I don’t care) were good and helped to make the movie slightly watchable. Without them… Meh. A movie having no plot is okay as long as you have really great characters (like in Dazed And Confused) and a movie with lacklustre characters is okay as long as you have a great story (like in Circle). Only Lovers Left Alive lacks both a good plot and good characters. But it has a 7.3 rating out of 10 on IMDb so what the hell do I know?!

My Rating: 5.5/10

Byzantium (2012)

Directed by Neil Jordan

Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Gemma Arterton, Sam Riley, Jonny Lee Miller

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
Residents of a coastal town learn, with deathly consequences, the secret shared by the two mysterious women who have sought shelter at a local resort.

My Opinion:

Good god this movie was boring as well. I actually slightly preferred Only Lovers Left Alive because at least that movie had a bit more style & better actors. To be fair, I watched these movies back to back while cleaning the house so I wasn’t exactly paying full attention. But if they’d actually been GOOD, I’d have stopped doing the housework and sat down to watch them properly. Thanks to Byzantium, I now have a very organized bookshelf.

Let’s see… What do I vaguely recall from this movie? I recall hating Gemma Arterton’s annoying accent. I’m terrible with accents so don’t know if she was doing it well or not but it was like nails on a chalkboard. Maybe I just don’t like her… I don’t think I’ve seen her in much but the quality of her acting in this film certainly didn’t impress me. Saoirse Ronan was far better in this film – I usually like her okay and she’s the best thing about this movie.

Er. You know, I honestly can’t remember much of this movie now. Lots of blood. It was a far more bloody vampire movie than Only Lovers Left Alive. More bloody, shittier acting, an actual plot but one that I can barely remember now, less moping but still pretty mopey overall (seriously – cheer the fuck up, vampires!), and no John Hurt or anyone with true star power to help elevate the film. Oh, I now recall that all the first vampires were men & they didn’t want any to be women but then Arterton became the first female vampire (if I remember right). So there’s a bit of a “girl vampire power” thing going on in the film, which was okay but kind of undone by all the terrible treatment of the women in the movie. And I still don’t like Arterton.

My Rating: 5.5/10

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The Zero Theorem (2013) Review

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The Zero Theorem (2013) (what?? it just came out in the UK!)

Directed by Terry Gilliam

Starring:
Christoph Waltz
Mélanie Thierry
David Thewlis
Lucas Hedges
Matt Damon
Tilda Swinton
Sanjeev Bhaskar
Peter Stormare
Ben Whishaw
Dana Rogoz

Running time: 107 minutes

Plot Synopsis: (via Wikipedia)
The Zero Theorem is a 2013 science fiction film that centres on Qohen Leth (Christoph Waltz), a reclusive computer genius working on a formula to determine whether life holds meaning. Terry Gilliam has called it the final part of a dystopian satire trilogy or “Orwellian triptych” begun with 1985’s Brazil and continued with 1995’s 12 Monkeys.

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My Opinion:

I’ll be honest – I’m too stupid for this movie. I’m also taking a bit of a break from reviewing movies but felt I should get this one out there (especially as we have a fun guest review coming tomorrow for another Terry Gilliam movie. In fact, one of the three of the “dystopian satire trilogy” Gilliam named above, of which The Zero Theorem is the final part). As Gilliam films are very artistic & fun to look at (and confusing), this “review” is going to be full of images from the film. Here’s a cool one (not great quality – it was fun seeing the different signs in the film):

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First off: Christoph Waltz is in this. I love him. I admit that the hubby kind of had to drag me to this movie but, when I saw that Waltz was the star, he didn’t have to try QUITE so hard to get me into the cinema. I ended up enjoying this movie more than I’d expected to and that was all down to the actors & the look of the film.

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As well as Waltz, we have the very sexy French actress Mélanie Thierry. She bares a lot of skin in this and wears outfits like the one below, which should keep a lot of male (and some female) viewers happy. I ended up really liking her character, who ends up being deeper than you first expect her to be.

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Then we had the young Lucas Hedges, who I also thought did a great job in this. He, Waltz & Thierry were the highlights of the film. I enjoyed their characters which, to me, is always very important in order for me to like a movie. The typical quirky types of characters you always get from Gilliam were played by David Thewlis in a fairly big supporting role and Matt Damon & Tilda Swinton in smaller but fun roles (especially Swinton’s – I kind of really like that crazy-ass woman. She seems like she’d be a blast to hang out with in real life. And she looks like David Bowie, the coolest person EVER).

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So Christoph Waltz is trying to figure out if life has meaning and it’s driving him mad and blah blah quirky characters and yada yada cool science-looking stuff and ooh la la sexy French chick. And what’s with Terry Gilliam & bald heads??

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Summary:

Basically, if you love Terry Gilliam, you’ll be perfectly happy with this film and I’d totally recommend it to you. If you hate him, avoid this. It’s very “him”. I had fun watching it, it gives you some food for thought if you like that sort of thing and, if you don’t, it’s cool to look at. That’s it, really. If you’re looking at this being part of some sort of “trilogy”, it’s the weakest compared to Brazil & 12 Monkeys but it’s been so long since I’ve seen those that I can’t fully comment. Time for a re-watch of both of those, I think…

My Rating: 6.5/10

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